A rash of mysterious and grisly cattle mutilations across the upper midwest has baffled authorities and terrified farmers and ranchers. While they search for answers and security, local Twins fans and sports media have their own concerns.
"I went out to do chores the other morning, and there was the head of one of my cows on a pike, right there in the middle of the pasture," said Elmer Kulberg, a third-generation Bird Island cattle farmer. "The rest of her was all tore up. And Joe Mauer hasn't done a darn thing about it."
His son Darrell agreed.
"Show some leadership, some fire, you know? Kick over a table, let those cattle mutilators know that they're on notice."
A spokesman for a local sports media group speculated that Mauer's silence may have a sinister motive.
"I'm not saying he's the one doing it, but he's never denied it, not even once," said Charlie Tersteeg, who represents the Steadfast Order Of Outrageously Hot Original Takes (SOOOHOT). "Funny. Draw your own conclusions. Fortunately, we have the brave journalists and radio personalities in SOOOHOT to draw them for you."
"When Torii Hunter and A.J. Pierzynski were around here, you knew that if someone got out of line, they'd hear about it," continued Tersteeg. "Now we have innocent cows being slaughtered by unknown forces, and the $23 million dollar man is sitting on his hands. Again. Now, is it because he doesn't want to lead, or because he's hiding the blood on those hands? You tell me which is worse."
State and federal officials say Mauer is not under suspicion in any of the cases, and as a private citizen bears no responsibility to discuss the case. Tersteeg scoffed at the notion.
"The guys upstairs protecting Mauer, instead of holding him responsible. Where have I heard that before, besides every day at Target Field? All I know is that when Torii was around, walking the walk and talking the talk, the pitching was a lot better and our cows were alive. Can't say either of those things anymore. Maybe someone should do something about it, instead of taking another day off."