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Investigation Launched Into Defective Nature of Thursday's Game

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This is real.

Brian Kersey

The Minnesota Twins were delayed leaving Chicago yesterday evening, when investigators arrived at US Cellular Field to investigate the defective nature of the afternoon ballgame. Suspicions were aroused when the game either became tied or saw a lead change for the sixth time.

"Even in a game that's all about the statistics of probability, there's only so much that can be balls'd up in nine innings," said Sergeant Detective Hallahan. "It was the lead changes, the six walks the Twins took, the fact that [Phil] Hughes had seven strikeouts in five innings, the [Anthony] Swarzak implosion, [Jose] Abreu's interference, the fact that no pitcher could hit the strike zone, [Chirs] Colabello losing the ball behind first base and [Oswaldo] Arcia making a terrible throw to second base, Adam [Eaton] biffing it in center field late in the game...it just wouldn't stop."

Lieutenant Gabarzo agreed. "I'm a Cubs fan, so I've seen some [redacted] [redacted], but I ain't never seen two teams [redacted] it up for nine [redacted] innings."

It was a baffling three-and-a-half hours for players, management, and investigators. Events took an unexpected turn, however, when the cause of the defective game was uncovered.

All player awareness ratings had been set to zero.

"Well that explains a lot of it," said a visibly exhausted Ron Gardenhire. "You ever played the Sims? I haven't but my kids, they're into it. Sometimes you see these people just walking into walls because the programming isn't sophisticated enough. That's what it was like watching this game."

More disconcerting was what these results implied. "We have awareness ratings?" asked Glen Perkins. "It's kinda cool because at least that's an excuse for not being able to hit the strike zone, but still...what other ratings do we have?"

"And who's controlling them," chimed in a subdued Brian Dozier, sitting at his locker behind Perkins. "What does it all mean? Is that why [Oswaldo] Arcia looked like he was about to rob a stage coach?"

Eventually the team was cleared to fly to Cleveland for the weekend series against the Indians, but no answers have been forthcoming. As the team boarded their plane after 10:00pm central, the existential malaise was palpable.

It is expected that the front office will attempt to pan off the last three seasons off as "that mysterious ratings thing."