Joe Mauer's struggles in 2014 have been well documented. But not well documented enough, according to weapons-grade Anoka halfwit Tom Hanson.
"He's been terrible since Day 1," Hanson inaccurately claimed. "Don't know why everyone's on the bandwagon now, but just remember who was the first in line. Tom Hanson, that's who."
Hanson, who has been banned from commenting on most local media websites and refuses to pay alimony "because of Obama," said that Mauer's performance this year shouldn't surprise anyone.
"There are three phases of the game: homers, ribbies, and rings," claimed Hanson, with the unearned assurance and misdirected anger of a longtime talk radio caller. "Mauer's an 0-fer on all accounts, always has been. Of course, you have to play to even have a chance at those things, lol."
Hanson's ham-handed reference to the bad back that sidelined Mauer for a week earlier this year and the concussion-marred end of Mauer's 2013 season soon segued into a misogynist, 8-minute rant about "Josephine" Mauer having sand in a delicate area and wearing a prom dress at first base. When he finally stopped to draw a breath and open another Coors Light, the former electrician said that some Twins fans still need convincing.
"I was working the till at Family Dollar last week, and some lady and her kid come in and he's wearing a Mauer shirt, and I'm like, 'Did you lose a bet?' The kid didn't get it, so I told him that Mauer sucked, WHICH I'M RIGHT ABOUT, and his mom got all mad and wanted to talk to the manager.
"The upshot of that is, I pointed to my midsection and told her there was a manager she could speak to right there, and that punk assistant manager Tanner overheard it. So now I've got some free time to start off the summer while they 'decide my future,' which is pretty cool."
(Family Dollar of Big Lake could not be reached for comment.)
Hanson said that, while it's gratifying that people are finally on his side of the Mauer debate, he's still got a long way to go before he's satisfied.
"Lotta those stat guys say Mauer's first 10 years were very good or elite (EDITOR'S NOTE: they were), but the one stat that matters is want-to (EDITOR'S NOTE: this is not a stat), and Captain Ouchie is below the Mendota (EDITOR'S NOTE: "Mendoza") Line on that one. What I want is for those nerds to admit what I've been telling them all along. Then, I want Mauer to do the same damn thing. Can see it now: 'You were right, Tom. You've always been right.' It would be pretty sweet, wouldn't it?"