Hi, I'm Twins general manager Terry Ryan.
A lot of people have been asking me who the starting pitcher is on Saturday. And I keep telling them the same thing I'm telling you now: find the Jade Idol in the Nowhere Forest, return it to me, and all will be revealed.
For generations, the Ryans of Janesville have sought the idol. My father, his father, and his father's father have tried and failed to bring it back to southern Wisconsin. This legacy, this birthright, is mine, and I will not be denied it.
Unfortunately, running a professional baseball organization means I don't have the time to just go gallivanting around the Dread Lowlands or Gargoyle Island, much less plumb the Nowhere Forest's black depths. That's why I'm reaching out to Twins Territory and the best fans in baseball to go out there and find this gem.
Is it dangerous? I'm not going to lie to you: it is. We sent Junior Ortiz to look for it in 1993 and no one's seen him since.
That's why we're giving you the opportunity to find out who's starting Saturday's game for us against Oakland. We've got a couple young arms that a lot of people are interested in seeing. Will it be one of them? Get me that idol, and you will know.
If you're interested, please contact me at questfortheidol.com.
If you fail, like all others before you, know that it was not in vain. And that we'll announce the starter after tonight's game, probably.
Thank you. Go Twins.