The Minnesota Twins Horseplay Scenarios

It's that time of year again: from January 23-25, the Minnesota Twins will hold their annual TwinsFest, where fans can meet their favorite past, present, and future Twins.

Absent from the proceedings this year is Anthony Swarzak, the long reliever/spot starter/sasquatch enthusiast who signed a minor league deal with Cleveland this week.  It was Swarzak who injured himself participating in "horseplay"at a previous TwinsFest, automatically becoming the best story to come out of an event usually best known for waiting in line to get Keith Atherton's autograph and/or getting a comped beer from John Bonnes.

This raises the question: What is the most likely manner in which the current members of the Twins roster will injure themselves this TwinsFest?  While we certainly hope no one gets banged up, we need to be prepared for bad, stupid things to happen to this team.  It's the only way.

• Joe Mauer: Whole milk incident
• Glen Perkins: Strained parade waving elbow
• A. J. Achter: Mistaken for A. J. Pierzynski, pelted with rocks by children
• Logan Darnell: Gets lost in western Wisconsin woods, chooses to live among bears and fauna
• Brian Duensing: Shellfish allergy
• Casey Fien: Fight with juggler
• Kyle Gibson: Fight with mime
• Phil Hughes: Fight with busker who only plays "Semi-Charmed Life" but won't let him join in on the "Doo-doo-doo-doo"s without putting more money in the jar
• Trevor May: Werewolf injury, not believed to be life-threatening
• Alex Meyer: Chased by bullies, hides in Champlin until May
• Tommy Milone: Runs away because nobody understands him or "his music"
• Ricky Nolasco: Blimp accident
• Lester Oliveros: Locks self in stairwell
• Mike Pelfrey: Overgrit
• Ryan Pressly: Eaten by snake
• Stephen Pryor: Becomes luchador called "El Capitan"
• Ervin Santana: Duets with Rob Thomas
• Tim Stauffer: Inherits mansion as scion of a French bread pizza fortune, quits the game
• Caleb Thielbar: Buys out box of pull tabs at the VFW, this is gonna take a bit
• Michael Tonkin: Commits full time to proving the existence of the Keebler Elves and "making those fuckers pay"
• Josmil Pinto: Follows dream of becoming a grocer
• Kurt Suzuki: Realizes he was born in Hawaii and could just go back to Hawaii
• Brian Dozier: Becomes dangerously handsome to himself, others
• Eduardo Escobar: Taproom opens in his locker, becomes tangled up in some dude named Bryce's beard
• Trevor Plouffe: Separates shoulder trying to master his longboard
• Jorge Polanco: Farmer's Almanac says 2015 is a bad year for Jorge Polanco, soybeans
• Miguel Sano: Finds treasure map that is actually just Scott Ullger's "Best Side Roads" between Target Field and the Canadian border.
• Danny Santana: Also duets with Rob Thomas
• Kennys Vargas: Butter churning mishap
• Oswaldo Arcia: Trapped in bouncy castle
• Aaron Hicks: Glues self to chair
• Chris Herrmann: Becomes country lawyer
• Torii Hunter: Justin Morneau gets revenge
• Max Kepler: Average length Monopoly game
• Eduardo Nunez: Becomes music critic for the New Yorker
• Eddie Rosario: Learns to love again
• Jordan Schafer: Distracted by shiny thing