The Next 21 Things That Will Happen Because of the Wilson Ramos Trade

The trade of catcher Wilson Ramos (and Joe Testa, lest we forget) to the Washington Nationals for pitcher Matt Capps has affected the Twins in a very profound and meaningful way, and continues to do so.

This week, the Twins traded Aaron Hicks to the Yankees for catcher John Ryan Patrick Sean Robert Paul John Again Murphy, the latest attempt to find a non-patchwork solution at the catcher position. (A trade earlier in the week sent Chris Herrmann to the Diamondbacks for Daniel Palka, leaving the Twins with a rickety Kurt Suzuki as their only catcher.)  It is extremely, extremely doubtful that this move is made if the Twins had not decided, way back in 2010, to send away a promising catcher for a closer who, well, sucked.

The lopsided nature of this trade was exacerbated by Joe Mauer's concussion, which moved him to first base and left the Twins without a ready, long-term replacement at a critical position (I call a good catcher "a manager on the field," because he, too, is a man wearing a uniform who crouches a lot, probably has facial hair, and often chews on things). Josmil Pinto stalling out in the minors was suboptimal as well.  The Twins have been playing catch-up ever since, and were forced to send a promising outfielder away in hopes that Murphy can lock this thing down for the next 3-5 years.

(A couple positives: The Twins realized that repurposed starter Glen Perkins was a hellacious reliever when healthy, and the entire Upper Midwest now knows that trading premium prospects for a "proven closer" is insane.)

But still, we're over five years removed from this trade, and the Twins are still feeling the impact.  What does the future hold?  Using our best statistical models, these are the next 21 things that will happen because of the Wilson Ramos/Matt Capps trade.

1. The new Star Wars film will open.  Twinkie Town editor Jesse Lund will enjoy it, but will admit afterwards that he would have enjoyed it more if the Twins hadn't traded Wilson Ramos for Matt Capps in 2010.
2. Murphy will supplant an aging Suzuki as the Twins starting catcher by July 2016.
3. Murphy will have a three-week slump in August, and will cause hundreds of idiots to tweet at local baseball writers about moving Joe Mauer back to catcher.
4. This will cause at least one of them to quit writing to become a shepherd.  Gleeman is the odds-on favorite.
5. A pennant contender will attempt to shore up their shaky bullpen by moving one of their system's Top 5 prospect for a big-name closer.  Every analyst will point to the Ramos/Capps trade as the downside of making this kind of move, causeing every Twins fan within earshot to drink something brown and strong.
6. The spoonerism Catt Mapps will be judged the best spoonerism in Twins history, mostly because Chuck Finley never played for them.
7. A local man will attempt to set the Guinness World Record for push-ups.  He will fail miserably, but when asked to assess his failure, his friends will agree that it's not as bad as trading Wilson Ramos for Matt Capps.
8. The Twins trade Miguel Sano for a catching prospect.
9. Fox Sports North will produce a new rain delay documentary about the 24 hours when Twins fans were actually wondering how they would replace Chris Herrmann.
10. The name of the documentary will be One Day In November, but the working title will be Herrmann, Oh? (Because the director loves Arrested Development.)

    

11. Nationals fan Kyla Thirlwell, a data analyst from Bethesda, Maryland, will take up roller derby and use the name Killson Ramos.
12. Twins fan Anna Grindel, a University of Minnesota junior, will take up roller derby and, instead of a Wilson Ramos pun, use the name Maxx Crippler.
13. (She would have probably used this one anyway, I'll admit that.  It's really good.)
14. The Twins trade Eddie Rosario for a catching prospect.
15. The District of Columbia is granted statehood.  Pundits credit a series of impassioned speeches from Nationals catcher Wilson Ramos.
16. The Minnesota Wild move to San Antonio as part of Commissioner Bettman's Sun Belt Strategy, Phase II.  Callers to KFAN wonder if this will finally convince the Twins to move the now-retired Joe Mauer back to catcher.
17. President Kardashian welcomes Wilson Ramos and the World Series champion Washington Nationals to the White House.
18. The Twins trade Byron Buxton for a catching prospect.
19. The Twins are contracted before they can trade for another catcher.  Callers to KFAN demand that Joe Mauer be sent to prison.
20. Governor-for-Life Bridgewater announces that Target Field will become the Heggie's Pizza Interpretive Center for Frozen Pizza Studies.
21. An incident at the Heggie's Pizza Interpretive Center for Frozen Pizza Studies accidentally triggers the heat death of universe.