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Minnesota Twins Receiving 'Significant' Money from Pretend Kangaroo

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Many of the moments you have seen during Twins games in recent years involving licorice and the mysterious "Wiley Wallaby" amount to advertisements paid for by "KLN Family Brands."

know your enemy, mate
know your enemy, mate
Graham Denholm/Getty Images

A recent Congressional report about "paid patriotism" events in professional sports caused many to wonder if another shoe was going to drop.  In a Twinkie Town exclusive, it has been learned that a Minnesota-based consortium that goes by "KLN Family Brands" has been paying the Twins organization to promote their Australian-style licorice in the person of Wiley Wallaby, a pretend kangaroo.

"What sets this apart from other advertising is that licorice is trash candy," said an area snack enthusiast/Twins blogger who asked not to be named.  "Pure trash. Inedible.  And the Twins are advertising this to kids?  It's unconscionable."

This practice--payments for radio, television, and in-game advertising of the universally recognized worst goddamn candy--seemingly reached its peak this summer, as that is when the Twins were playing baseball.

The troubling aspect of these paid tributes is that they're not advertising KLN's Barrel O' Fun brand of salty snacks, which are "perfectly fine, particularly the cheese balls," says the blogger.

Taryn Mosford, a Minneapolis-based consumer-rights advocate, says this scandal is much larger than any National Guard ad buy.

"Monetizing militarism is something we should always be wary of, sure, but Jesus Christ, licorice?  I took my son trick-or-treating on Saturday, and when one of the neighbors gave him Twizzlers, I was like, 'What, are razor blades too expensive, you piece of shit?' My husband and I egged their garage later that evening."

It has also been learned that KLN's home office of Perham, Minnesota, is not in Australia.  Experts say Perham is "extremely fucking far" from the Australian outback, where one might find an actual wallaby frolicking in the desert with, say, a dingo, or Midnight Oil.

"Wallabies are friggin' adorable," added Mosford.  "And you're using it to trick gullible children into eating the shittiest candy imaginable.  Can you imagine if a bakery used a sweet baby kitten to lure you into purchasing oatmeal raisin cookies?  You'd burn the building down with everyone inside, and no jury would convict you.

"Oatmeal raisin cookies are ass, and so is licorice.  Why the double standard?"