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A Complete List of Items Found Under Dan Gladden's Christmas Tree

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Happy Holidays from your friends at Twinkie Town, the only Minnesota Twins website on the Internet that would publish something this dumb.

playing the game the right way and using mane 'n tail shampoo for a healthy coat
playing the game the right way and using mane 'n tail shampoo for a healthy coat
Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images

A Complete List of Items Found Under Dan Gladden's Christmas Tree

  • Tommy Bahama shirt.
  • Tommy Bahama shorts.
  • Tommy Bahama propane tank.
  • Tommy Bahama steaks.
  • Tommy Bahama deer estrus.
  • Tommy Bahama himself.  (Turns out he's a real person who hangs out at Dan Gladden's house for the holidays.  This is where he fell asleep last night.)
  • Mullet spray.
  • An entire fucking motorcycle (it's a big tree).
  • A case of Hai Karate cologne.
  • A Burt Reynolds movie on Blu-Ray.  Probably Gator?
  • Best of Oui, 1974-79, Vol. 3.
  • A heavily duct-taped cardboard box that says "FROM THE HRBEKS" on the outside.  Inside are two jars of homemade salsa with pictures of Bert Blyleven's ass functioning as crude labels.
  • A punching bag in the shape of Steve Lombardozzi.  Every time you hit it, the voice of Tom Kelly says, "This is how men handle things."
  • A bass guitar signed by Bachman-Turner Overdrive that he will never learn to play.
  • A bunch of leather shit.
  • A framed poster of Lesley Ann Warren.
  • A year's worth of cell phone holsters.