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The Padres Are Bringing Back the Best Ugly Uniforms, Making America Great Again

These things are hideous, and I love them.

you can't tell, but steve garvey got your mom totally pregnant before this picture was taken
you can't tell, but steve garvey got your mom totally pregnant before this picture was taken
Kent Horner/Getty Images

The late-'70s were responsible for Star Wars, punk rock, Jimmy Carter, gas shortages, Battle of the Network Stars, and some of the most atrocious, wonderful major league baseball uniforms in history.

You've seen the Twins trot out the beautiful, powder blue nightmares in which Willie Norwood lost countless fly balls in the Bloomington sky.  And the Houston Astros have graced us with the uniforms that look like nothing so much as Carol Brady's kitchen come to life.

Now comes word that the San Diego Padres are bringing back the hideous, gold-and-brown leisure wear in which Dave Winfield and Tony Gwynn once toiled.  And thank god for that, because the true aesthetic of Seventies shitwear has never reached such breathtaking heights.

You see, in 1977, if you decided to dress your baseball team according to the lyrics of "Milk Milk Lemonade," NOBODY WOULD BAT A GODDAMN EYE.  Hell, the White Sox are playing games in shorts and pajamas, who's to say what's wrong and what's right?  So, using the base colors of urine and fecal matter, please welcome your San Diego Padres.  (The uniforms also proved that, no matter how unsightly the garb was, Oscar Gamble would look like a million damn dollars.)

Eventually, the Padres would swap out the brown for blue, and basically become a boring, better version of the current Milwaukee Brewers uniforms.  Not ones to run away from aesthetically questionable choices, they've also honored the city's military history by dressing in some of the most godawful camouflage jerseys you will ever see.  If a RealTree factory ever has sex with Trevor Hoffman, the baby will be the ultimate Padres salute to our armed forces.

The uniforms will be used for every Friday home game.  So, if you're watching highlights on Saturday morning and worried that your monitor is shot or your hangover is worse than you imagined, fret not.  It's just the Padres, making America great again.