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13 other reasons the Twins won't trade Ricky Nolasco

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Because they don't want to sell low? Okay boss, maybe I can sell you this chocolate teapot next?

Tim Fuller-USA TODAY Sports

A couple of hours ago, La Velle E Neal III tweeted that the Twins weren't going to trade Ricky Nolasco. Not because they couldn't, not because nobody was interested, but because they don't want to sell low.

Not wanting to trade Nolasco for fear of selling low is like not wanting to sell your shitty second car because you're hoping the rust will just fall off and some sucker buyer will think it was actually manufactured in the early 90s instead of the late 80s. Bluebook thinks there's a difference there, right? Because hey, if you find the right sucker buyer, saying you got a Baseketball DVD and a Snickers is going to sound better than saying you got rid of the car just for the advantage of not having it rotting in your garage.

In honor of what honestly sounds like the biggest white lie of this festive baseball holiday week, here are 13 other reasons the Twins are "choosing" not to trade Ricky Nolasco.

-  Ricky Nolasco's holiday treats are a hit around the front office. Those snickerdoodles are sprinkled with cinnamon, giving them a real kick.

-  Rob Antony borrowed Nolasco's REO Speedwagon collection. If they trade Nolasco, he'd probably have to give it back, and that's not happening anytime soon. Have you heard T.W.O.? I mean, c'mon.

-  "We already didn't bring back Mike Pelfrey, what do you people expect?"

-  Joe Mauer and Ricky Nolasco started a beard-growing contest last winter and technically, because Nolasco hasn't shaved is off, the competition isn't over yet. And that's contractually binding or something.

-  Nick Punto is spending Christmas at Ron Gardenhire's house and they need Ricky Nolasco to decorate the top of their tree. He's 6' 2"! "I'll be damned if I'm putting Nicky on my shoulders, Carol."

-  Trolling Twins fans is a favorite winter pastime.

-  "Wednesdays are LOST days at Terry's and we're only halfway through season 3 DON'T TELL US HOW IT ENDS. I'm sure it'll be great."

-  Trevor May, Jose Berrios, Alex Meyer, and Tyler Duffey have been very upfront about not wanting to start for a Major League baseball team.

-  They asked Google, but it didn't have any good answers.

nolasco search

-  The last time the Twins traded a starting pitcher, they only got a cast-off pitcher and their current starting shortstop.

-  Have you seen December in any other state than Minnesota? Minnesota winter is obviously superior to winter in any other baseball city. Sure, Ricky actually doesn't spend his winters running laps around Lake Calhoun or watching the Wild at the X, so it hardly seems to matter, but still. Minnesota winters, you guise.

-  The Twins couldn't find anyone interested, regardless of how much money they kicked in. They couldn't find an equally immovable contract. Any of the actual, completely acceptable reasons the Twins could have used for not being able to trade Ricky Nolasco.

-  I could write anything. Literally, anything. It doesn't even have to be baseball related. Or make sense. It could just be a string of characters that show up as a result of resting my face on the keyboard. Because that would still be more believable than Nolasco not being moved for fear of selling low.