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Phil Cuzzi's Next Promotions

Despite being bad at his job, Phil Cuzzi keeps getting promoted. Twinkie Town analyzes what's next for this lousy umpire.

Phil Cuzzi, calling balls and strikes in the 9th inning, probably.
Phil Cuzzi, calling balls and strikes in the 9th inning, probably.
Kyle Terada-USA TODAY Sports

Phil Cuzzi, best known to Twins fans as the guy who blew this call, has been promoted to second-in-command of his umpiring crew, despite being the guy who blew that call.

I mean, that's a shit call.  Just a shit, shit call.  ESPN says it's one of the five worst in history, and that's a mighty long time.  And now he got promoted. Here, then, is our best guess as to the rest of Cuzzi's career.

2018: Refuses to call a rain delay during a Houston/Milwaukee game.  An F4 tornado sweeps up the entire Astros outfield and deposits them in a Galveston holding pond.  Is promoted to crew chief.

2021: Uses third base as a toilet the entire season.  Is promoted to Commissioner.

2024: Outlaws bats.  The game of baseball dies.  Is named Governor of New Jersey.

2027: Sells New Jersey to traveling salesman for magic beans.  Salesman turns out to be the Devil, who enslaves all New Jersey residents in eternal torment.  Cuzzi runs for President.

2029: President Cuzzi launches all of America's nuclear weapons on July 4th, because he loves fireworks.  The earth is destroyed.  Cuzzi is the lone survivor of all humankind, names self Emperor of Galaxy, fashions a cape from a Ramada Inn bath towel.

40,098,763,656: The heat death of the universe takes place.  Cuzzi, who is An Immortal One, laughs.