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A Visitor's Guide to Chattanooga From Someone Who Has Never Been There

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All the cool, young Twins are going to the Twins' new AA team. Here's what to expect if you decide to go catch a game.

This is a stainless steel bus bench in downtown Chattanooga.  Take a seat!
This is a stainless steel bus bench in downtown Chattanooga. Take a seat!
Erik S. Lesser/Getty Images

Byron Buxton.  Miguel Sano.  J.O. Berrios.  Max Kepler.  Jorge Polanco.  Adam Brett Walker.  Many of the Twins brightest prospects will be starting the season as Chattanooga Lookouts, the Twins' new, non-Yard Goats AA affiliate.

You, as a baseball fan, may want to throw the kids in the Odyssey, hop on the interstate, and head south.  Here's what you can expect from Chattanooga, Tennessee's fourth-largest city and a place I have never been.

According to its Wiki page, Chattanooga is internationally known because of the 1941 Glenn Miller song, "Chattanooga Choo Choo."  This can't possibly be right.  Nobody in Burkina Faso or Laos or Estonia knows a goddamn thing about this song.  Here it is:

Nobody gives a shit about this song.  Stop lying to yourself, Chattanooga.  Stop it.

Ah, but that's not even the biggest clunker in the wiki intro.  Look at this quote.  LOOK AT IT

The official nickname for Chattanooga is the Scenic City, being reinforced by the city's growing national reputation as a haven for numerous outdoor activities. Several unofficial nicknames include River City, Chatt, Nooga, Chattown, and Gig City, demonstrating Chattanooga's claims that it has the fastest internet service in the Western Hemisphere.

WHAT THE HELL.  WHAT DOES INTERNET SERVICE HAVE TO DO WITH YOUR MONSTROUSLY SHITTY NICKNAMES.  GIG CITY.  WHAT THE HELL.  YOU ARE LIVING 10,000 LIES, CHATTANOOGA.

It also, apparently, has its own custom typeface, called, and I'm not making this shit up ... Chatype.  Jesus Christ.  You can read about that on Nooga.com.  Which is a website that exists and not a dot com startup that melted down in 1997.  There appears to be a section called "Betternooga" which I just don't even know how to deal with right now.

But you don't care about this.  You care about places to go and things to do when you're in town.  Let's look!

There are many local restaurants, some of which look good!

There are also some Applebee's.

Lookout Mountain!  I've heard of Lookout Mountain!  There is a Drive-By Truckers song about Lookout Mountain, called "Lookout Mountain."  It kicks the bullcrap out of "Chattanooga Choo Choo" for real:

That rules.  So, go to Lookout Mountain.  You can even visit Ruby Falls, which is a cave or some shit. And after that, go to Applebee's or a local restaurant for sandwiches and pop.

As for the ballpark, it looks like Star Wars Night is May 1, and Harmon Killebrew Bobblehead Night is May 2.  And there's a butt-ton of other promo things going on over the course of the season.  I would go on one of those nights.

My friend Jon says it takes about 13 hours to drive from MSP to the 'Noog.  You'll probably go through Chicago, I guess.  Have a Vienna beef hot dog!

I hope this helps.  If someone who has actually been to Chattanooga wants to chime in in the comments section, I bet it would be a lot more helpful than this malarkey.