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When your team's player gets suspended for steroid use: A guide to cope

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It's okay, Twins fans—and by "okay," I mean it is not okay. Not at all.

"Uh, you know you can't take steroids in MLB, right?"
"Uh, you know you can't take steroids in MLB, right?"
Tommy Gilligan-USA TODAY Sports

You've likely heard by now that the Twins new free-agent pitching aquisition, Ervin Santana, has been suspended for 80 games for testing positive for the performance enhancing drug "Stanozolol" (that is the actual name of the drug, lol). This development essentially means Santana, the team's number-two starting pitcher, will now be replaced by the team's new number-five starting pitcher, Mike Pelfrey.

I know, I know—I feel it too. It is normal to feel various stages of grief and anger at this time.

It's ok.

To help Twinkie Town users work through their intense emotions right now, I would like to go over what some of these stages of grief are. Being able to recognize the stages will help all of us better work through these dark times.

Without further ado:

Stage 1: ARE YOU [redacted] KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW!?

OH, GREAT! THE TWINS [redacted] BIGGEST FREE AGENT SIGNING OF ALL-TIME GETS SUSPENDED TWO [redacted] DAYS BEFORE OPENING DAY!? WHAT DID WE DO TO DESERVE THIS?! JUST [redacted] TELL US WHAT WE DID!! HOW DOES THIS EVEN [redacted] HAPPEN?

Stage 2: I cannot [redacted] believe this.

THIS WASN'T A [redacted] NIGHTMARE? [Redacted] monkey [redacted] [redacted] all over [redacted] [redacted] Mike Pelfrey in the starting rotation now.

Stage 3: This is seriously some [redacted]-[redacted] [redacted].

Ervin Santana has no idea how these drugs got in his body? Oh yeah, right, and I don't know how [redacted] [redacted] got in my [redacted] [redacted], you [redacted] [redacted].

Stage 4: Denial

Was the pee Fed-Exed two days too late? WAS THE PEE FED-EXED TWO DAYS TOO LATE!?!?

Stage 5: [Redacted] bargaining

Can we just... pretend this didn't happen? I mean, it's the [redacted] Twins. Come on. Twins weren't going to do much even with Ervin Santana. We don't have any starting pitchers! We're good people. Can this just... go away? Please?

Stage 6: Acceptance.

I hate my life.