Area moron: "Eduardo Escobar should of started"

For a fan base tired of losing, criticisms will come early and often for the Minnesota Twins in 2015. Indeed, the barrage has already started.

In spite of Danny Santana having been dubbed the team's starting shortstop almost from day one of spring training, area moron Drew Hauschild, 37, can't believe that Eduardo Escobar wasn't in the opening day lineup.

"I don't know what they're doin' down there," Hauschild offers as an answer to a question nobody asked him. "This Molitor guy is a joke if you ask me."

A native of Brainerd, MN, Hauschild continued to compile his stack of meaningless evidence, pointing out not just how well Escobar played in 2014 but also his incredible performance in spring training this year, conveniently not being aware of such brilliant spring training performances as Aaron Hicks in 2013, Luke Hughes in 2012, or Juan Portes in 2010. "This [Escobar] dude was a production machine! He had, what, 30 ribbies in spring training in like 15 games? They should be calling this guy The Ignitor or some fancy [redacted]. He should of started, man. I'm telling you!"

Not deterred when a friend pointed out that Escobar had been a .228/.280/.307 hitter coming into 2014, Hauschild launched into a tirade that included how he could have managed the team better in recent seasons, from roster construction to in-game decisions ("Gardy would trot out these infielders to play the outfield, I mean what the hell, right?"), and for good measure somehow drew Joe Mauer into the argument by stating "And that [redacted] of a 'first baseman,'" he said, using air quotes and slowing his speech, "is not worth a single paycheck he's been given. Way to swing the bat, loser."

Having successfully written off in one game the club's chances, manager, first baseman, and various other unrelated strings of thought related to the Twins, Hauschild vowed to continue touting a feather-hitting infielder as the obvious starter that none of the professionals actually involved in baseball could see. "Put [Escobar] in the outfield, just get him out there," he drunkenly finished, apparently unaware of the irony of pushing the philosophies he was earlier condemning. "They would of won. Losers."