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As you wake up this morning, the Minnesota Twins are in a tie for first place. There are a few ways we could take this.
- We could just take it as it is and be happy about it.
- We could endlessly analyse the ways in which the club's good fortunes aren't likely to continue, because the baseball gods are all about ruining your hopes and dreams.
- We can run a litmus test on reality.
We're going with number three. In the world of real science, a Litmus Test (a test using litmus, interestingly) is performed to ascertain whether a solution is acidic or basic. For our purposes, acidic is akin to "this is not reality," and basic is "this it totally real and the Twins are absolutely in a tie for first place and I don't care what you say about it you aren't going to ruin this for me."
Ready?
TEST 1: Read something
It's highly unlikely that you can read in your dreams. Or perhaps more accurately: you can read, but if you're having a lucid dream and you attempt to see words on paper they appear jumbled and incongruous. For the most basic test I recommend you pick up a Dan Brown novel, because anyone can read that garbage intricate tapestry of conspiracy and narrative.
TEST 2: Commit a crime
Leave a bag unattended at the bus stop. Kiss your best friend's wife. If you have a dog and they know what time they're supposed to be walked, wait an extra 90 minutes. If there are consequences to your actions, chances are this is not a dream and the Twins are in first place. You might be in jail, depending on the crime you've committed, but go happy in the knowledge that, yes, your Minnesota Twins are in a tie for first place.
(Please don't commit a crime. Do I have to say this?)
TEST 3: The Inception test
PS - Leo is definitely in a dream. That isn't the happy ending we were hoping for. The point is that he's now happy to fool himself, and that's happiness in its own way.
TEST 4: The Sandler Gambit
Is Adam Sandler still making funny movies in your world? If so, you might be in a dream.
TEST 5: Watch ESPN
Is the national media trying to find reasons for the Twins being in first place? Are they paying the Minnesota Baseball Club back-handed compliments like "You have to love what Molitor is doing up there in Minnesota, but they just don't have the talent"? Or: is the national media running stories on the underdog and how great it is to say things like "pop" and pronounce roof as "ruff" instead of elongating the vowels like you would in the word "boot?" If it's the former, this is real life. The latter, a dream.
(Don't watch ESPN. Do I have to say this?)
Let us know whether this is a dream or reality in the comments.