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Slump-Break Game 61: Twins @ Rangers

Because it's just not a proper GDT without one bizarre song parody. This is, at least, something you won't read every day.

The Force can have a powerful influence on the weak-minded. Move along.
The Force can have a powerful influence on the weak-minded. Move along.
Tom Pennington/Getty Images
First Pitch: 3:05 PM CDT (21:05 GMT)
Weather: 20% Chance Of Texas-Sized Storms, High Near 89
TV: FSN. Radio: Good Afternoon Space Aliens, Wherever You May Be

This Saturday's intro is a song parody. The song is Marty Robbins's 1960 hit "El Paso." It's a cheesy forbidden-love (um, lust) ballad with stanzas and a bridge, then stanzas and a bridge, then . . . it goes on forever, yet it's catchy. It was featured in the last episode of "Breaking Bad"; Water White steals a car which has "El Paso" in the tape deck. (Spolier alert! Walter White sometimes ignored laws.)

"El Paso" moved me deeply when I was, I dunno, ten. No, I wasn't born in 1950. But my parents wished we lived back then, so that's the music we listened to. The idea was to keep us kids away from sex by avoiding rock, the "devil's music." It worked. I am a nun.

The original is here (you don't need more than three verses and the bridge to get this parody.) That original does have one of my favorite classic-country-song lines: the guy steals a horse (like Walter White!), singing "Up on its back and away I did ride / Just as fast as I could / From the West Texas town of El Paso." Often a good plan.

"El Rangers Ballpark-o," by twinsbrewer! (Warning: skip every link, except maybe the FIFA one. They're only included to prove I sorta looked this stuff up.)

Down in a suburb of Dallas, Arlington
Several grifters were planning a scheme.
They hoped to buy low and sell high on baseball
New stadiums prop the value of teams.

Names like Rosewater, Dewitt, and Rusty Rose
Were in the mix but they're hard to pin down.
You've never heard of them, neither had Texans
One of their partners would win much renown.

George Bush had given up drinking and drugs;
That was a really hard fiii-iiii-ii-i-ight.
He'd screwed up each job his family had got him
Maybe this time he could do something right.

So the crooks roped in George

Bush ponied up half a mil (it was borrowed)

Which made him one partner Texans would know.
Now the gang could put their bond bill to voters
An S&L swindler (the mayor) said "go."

That law enacted, with one minor hurdle
Not every landowner wanted to sell.
Since this is Texas, it wasn't a big deal
Eminent domain solved that problem well.

The ballpark opened and team value rose;
Most ticket dough in the gaaa-aaaa-aa-a-ame.
Sure enough grifters sold for a sweet profit
As you know Bush achieved politics fame.

We'll fast-forward to today

In Arlington, you will see a foul eyesore
With no roof so fans and players can broil.
Apparently, it's known now as "Globe Life Park"
Names come and go like the prices of oil.

What is the point of this sad little story
It happens so often it makes me cry.
Someday these park scams will get nailed like FIFA
Until then (thanks, Marty Robbins): goooood-byyyyyye.


Colby Lewis starts for Texas today. Traditionally prone to dongs, on May 10, 2012, Lewis had a 7 IP, 5 H, 1 BB, 12 SO game against Baltimore . . . and all five hits were homers. These days he uses an 88 MPH fastball, a slider & change both around 83, and a slooooow cutter at 77. Colby's 2015 digits below (12 starts, 73.1 IP.) Note his splits being crazy:

4.42 .978 6.75 1.96 0.86 .846 / .535 .302 3.62

I tried, honestly, to look at Mike Pelfrey's PITCHf/x, his this 'n' that, and the numbers defeated me. I failed, I'm used to this. Happily, Jesse explained Pelfrey's recent success for us. Whew! That stuff's hard!

Of the Twins with more than three ABs versus Lewis, Hunter and Suzuki have struggled while Mauer used to eat Lewis's soul . . . but that was the old Mauer. The only Ranger with any history against Mike is Prince Fielder, who used to eat Pelfrey's soul . . . but that was the old Pelfrey. (Admit it, you expect the old Pelfrey back before the old Mauer.)

C'mon, Twins, stop the non-winning. Please.

Lineups (Hunter's suspended now, kudos to less cowbell, more 'neau for the info!):

Messin' With Texas Them Agin' Such Messin'
Good Hair, 2B
Delino DeShields, LF
Eddie Rosario, RF
Shin-Soo Choo, RF
Mauer Chevrolet, DH
Prince Rogers Fielder, DH
Trevor Plouffe, 3B
Mitch Moreland, 1B
Kennys Vargas, 1B
Joey Gallo, 3B
Eduardo Nunez, SS
Elvis Aaron Andrus, SS
Chris Herrmann, C (7th?)
Leonys Martin, CF
Eduardo Escobar, LF
Robinson Chirinos, C
Somebody Robinson, CF
Hanser Alberto, 2B