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Brian Frickin' Dozier, Man

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I can't quite believe what I just saw.

ah hahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
ah hahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Bruce Kluckhohn-USA TODAY Sports

So.

What if I told you that the Justin Verlander and the Tigers beat the hell out of the Twins for eight innings?

And what if I told you that the Twins won anyway?  Would that get you to read the rest of this?  Cool.  BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED.

The Minnesota Twins gutted the Detroit Tigers 8-6 on Friday night, with the finishing move courtesy of All-Star snub Brian Dozier''s 3-run, walk-off dong in the bottom of the ninth.

Detroit bolted to an early 6-0 lead, as Ervin Santana resolutely failed to build on his promising first start by only going four innings and surrendering three majestic dongs from two Martinezes (J.D. and Victor) and a Cespedes (Yoenis).

And that was the state of play for almost the entire game.  Former Best Pitcher Ever Justin Verlander looked close to the part, going 7.2 innings and allowing just one run on a Brian Dozier single.  REMEMBER THAT NAME.

So.

With Bruce Rondon in relief, Joe Mauer led off with a single, and Miguel Sano laced a ground-rule double.  Trevor Plouffe then struck out, marking the final out the Twins would record on Friday.

Eddie Rosario lined a Mauer-scoring knock to make it 6-2. Joakim Soria replaced Rondon, and immediately allowed Rosario to steal (THANKS REPLAY REVIEW), walked Aaron Hicks, hit Kurt Suzuki, and gave up a 2-run single to Danny Santana to make the score 6-5.

Since 2010, the Twins have been in 194 games where they've gotten within one run before the rally petered out, resulting in an 0-194 record in those games.  It's science, you can look it up.  (Please don't look it up, I'm definitely wrong.)

HOWFUCKITYEVER.

Brian Dozier, recently snubbed for the All-Star Game, straight crushed a dong off Soria into the Target Field seats, his second walk-off whack in a week, to complete the improbable comeback.  The Twins won 8-6, it led SportsCenter and everyone on the Internet was talking about Brian Dozier. Screw the All-Star Game, let's go to the playoffs instead, right?

ROBOT ROLL CALL

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CHARTS & GRAPHS (holy shit look at the spike)


Source: FanGraphs

Have a great weekend, everybody.