Hey, everyone, remember when the Twins looked historically terrible and I wrote an entire FanPost mocking how bad they were? So, um, about that...

Ladies and gentlemen, for the very first time, I present to you a Minnesota Twins Statistical Overview that is NOT ENTIRELY DEPRESSING. I don't even mention the 1899 Cleveland Spiders! Are there some unpleasant stats in there? Of course, because that gave me an excuse to mention Bartolo Colon. But they're not ALL bad, and most of them are even the opposite of bad, whatever that is (Twins fans have not been familiar with such things over the last few years). I even threw in a heartwarming stat at the end in an attempt to counteract one of the earlier bad ones.

BEGIN!

Winning percentage
2015 Twins: .551
1987 Twins: .525

Wins
2015 Twins: 49
Everyone else in the American League except the Kansas City Royals and Houston Astros: Less than 49

OPS
Brian Dozier (2015): .834
Kirby Puckett (1991): .812

OPS+
Brian Dozier (2015): 127
Kirby Puckett (career): 124

OPS
Joe Mauer (2015): .723
Ron Coomer (career): .734

Approximate salary
Joe Mauer (2015): $23,000,000
Ron Coomer (career): $6,000,000

RBI
Byron Buxton: 0
Bartolo Colon: 3

OPS+
Aaron Hicks (2015): 98
Dan Gladden (career): 95

Mullet/mustache combo
Aaron Hicks: No
Dan Gladden: Yes

OPS
Miguel Sano (career): 1.138
Barry Bonds (career): 1.051

OPS+
Miguel Sano (career): 209
Babe Ruth (career): 206

Unintentional walks
Oswaldo Arcia: 0 (65 PA)
Jorge Polanco: 1 (4 PA)

Twins leader in OPS
Mike Pelfrey (1.292)

Stolen base success rate
2015 Twins: 59%
Prince Fielder (career): 61%

Prince Fielder? Really?
Yup.

Cripes
I know.

ERA+
Glen Perkins (2015): 350
Joe Nathan (career best): 316
Mariano Rivera (career best): 316

OPS+
Torii Hunter (2015, age 39): 105
Torii Hunter (1997-2007, age 21-31): 104

Fantasy archetypes that explain Torii Hunter's success at age 39
Necromancer
Lich
Vampire

Fielding percentage
Ricky Nolasco: .667
That one guy on your rec league softball team who can't judge a fly ball so you can't have him in the outfield but also sometimes has trouble with grounders, but he's really nice and best friends with the guy that organized the team and you don't have anyone to replace him anyway, so you just try to hide him at second base and hope for the best: Probably higher than .667

PROMISED HEARTWARMING STAT TO COUNTERACT AN EARLIER NEGATIVE STAT:

BA/OBP/SLG
Joe Mauer (last 25 games): .319/.382/.495
Joe Mauer (career): .316/.397/.455