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Players call for removal of the sun

Is it time to destroy the earth's provider of life-sustaining light and warmth?

Joe Mauer defeats the sun, this time, probably because he's so tall.
Joe Mauer defeats the sun, this time, probably because he's so tall.
Marilyn Indahl-USA TODAY Sports

The ever-present threat of dropped pop-ups is staggering, and growing with each passing day. [citation needed] This has some players questioning whether the sun is really necessary.

Twins first baseman Joe Mauer was the first to voice his concerns. "I just think maybe we could do without it, if that's alright with everyone." he said, while rubbing the back of his head.

Indeed, the source many a misplay is the one quintillion cubic kilometer ball of burning gas in the sky, blinding the players with light nearly as bright as the Metrodome roof. The sun, whose near perfect distance from Earth has allowed life to flourish for eons, has overstayed its welcome with some players.

"At first, I thought the sun was great, but now I think its time for it to go," said a flustered Danny Santana. Another player, who asked that his name not be revealed, claimed that the sun is just a myth invented by the government to sell glasses, hats, and lotions. He then ran off shouting something about sheeple and The Illuminati.

Brian Dozier, who only speaks in cliches, had this to say: "Well ya know we just wanna go out there and win baseball games for these great fans. We just have to stay the course, not let these distractions get into our head, and take things one game at a time."

Let's quickly list some pros and cons of destroying the sun.


-No more blinding light on infield pop-ups.

-No need for sun lotion.

-A resurgence of the polar ice caps.

-You'll never have to mow your lawn again


-We'd all die.

Here is an artist's rendition of what life without the sun might look like:

Hauntingly beautiful.

This isn't the first issue with Target Field that players have had. In 2010, hitters complained that the oxygen given off from the trees in the batter's eye was blurring their vision. The trees were promptly scolded and grew back into the ground out of embarrassment.

Twin's GM Terry Ryan said that they are currently assessing their options which may include:

-Nuclear bombs, lots of them.

-Strongly worded letter.

-Eviction notice.

-Moving earth somewhere else.

-Having Ryan Doumit stare at it.

The giant burning sphere of death in the sky (or, if you subscribe to flat-earth theory, spotlight) was unavailable for comment.