Area halfwit and vocal Donald Trump supporter Tom Hanson knows that the future is brighter for the Twins than it's been in years. And he's ready to give them a piece of his mind.
"They're gonna give way too much money to Miguel Sano or Byron Buxton," said the underemployed Anoka electrician. "I just know it. You have to be ready to let them know they're stupid and they all should be fired."
Hanson, who has thus far been unsuccessful in getting longtime nemesis Joe Mauer declared an enemy combatant who is in league with ISIS ("Mark Dayton is bought and paid for by the Pohlads, don't let anyone tell you different"), doesn't want the team to make what he views as the same mistake they did with their MVP catcher-turned-first-baseman.
"The Twins are paying $23 million a year for a soft singles hitter who faked a concussion," said the sentient Rube Chat comment thread. "What if they end up doing that again for Sano or Buxton?"
When asked if he was being unnecessarily paranoid, particularly since Buxton has just played in a handful of professional games, Hanson doubled down as only someone who has listened to Tom Barnard for 30 years can.
"Mauer shows no fire or clubhouse leadership like (A.J.) Pierzynski or (Kent) Hrbek used to," said Hanson. "But what if Sano or Buxton show too much personality? I've seen clips of Sano dancing and Buxton colored his hair. You never saw Harmon Killebrew or Denny Hocking do that, they just showed up for work and led by example. And now we're gonna give these kids a whole bunch of money instead of getting Madison Bumgarner. I'm already furious about this."