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4-1, Twins Lose, Sexy Thrilling Recap Action

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Mike Pelfrey does badly, because otherwise his fellow Twins starters would beat him up.

Kurt Suzuki free-dive spearfishes for octopus in the offseason. Just sayin'.
Kurt Suzuki free-dive spearfishes for octopus in the offseason. Just sayin'.
Hannah Foslien/Getty Images

Mike Pelfrey is a charming, funny man. He's also today's "losing pitcher of record" in this game the Twins played against the Astros who are a baseball team like the Twins. If you're from a country that doesn't adore baseball, which is most countries, don't try understanding why Minnesota baseball fans are so into this inscrutable sport right now. Maybe give it a shot next April, when your neighbors/friends/coworkers can explain the myriad bizarre rules without screaming "OH, GODDAMN IT" every five minutes.

Honestly? I put this game on the radio with severe sleep-deprivation and paid almost no attention to it. I had the radio on the whole time. I stayed awake the whole time. I vaguely heard Pelfrey get bounced in the fourth inning and was pretty spacey after that. So let's trust a lineman for the AP, Dave Campbell:

"Mike Fiers followed his no-hitter with another stellar start for Houston, pitching into the seventh inning with three hits allowed for the first-place Astros in a 4-1 victory Saturday over the Minnesota Twins. Fiers (2-0) struck out five while surrendering one run, on a bases-loaded double-play grounder hit by Trevor Plouffe in the fourth. He left two on with none out in the seventh inning, but Will Harris struck out two of the next three batters to preserve the three-run padding."

This, folks, is professionalism, right there. Game is a bore-fest? You tick off the key names, plays, and you post it fast. Churn it out. Me? Pelfrey got whupped, the best I got is a Glen Campbell joke, which nobody will spot. That's what defines a pro; they slog through it even when they're smacking their heads repeatedly into concrete stadium abutments dreaming of the last out. I'm an amateur. Pelfrey had a bad day. Please don't take a picture. (Second joke no-one will get!)

Hey, here's some Reporting. From the postgame presser, Pelfrey: "That's on me. I can do better." Quotes!

Kinda hard on a bullpen that's been pitching a way ton of innings recently. Oh, well. Come back tomorrow for Santana (eegads) versus Lance McCullers. Yeah, the other Lance McCullers's kid. Son's first name originality FAIL. How about Carson? (Last obscure joke. Did I mention, I'm really tired?)

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