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GDT 110: Twins @ Cleveland

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San Diego things Minnesota could have traded for. Not really.

Tony Curtis, giant misogynistic bag of ass. Corrine Sidney, widow of the "Viva Las Vegas" director. Robert Schuller, Rumsfeld-smiling soul saver. I feel like less of a failure, now.
Tony Curtis, giant misogynistic bag of ass. Corrine Sidney, widow of the "Viva Las Vegas" director. Robert Schuller, Rumsfeld-smiling soul saver. I feel like less of a failure, now.
Vince Bucci/Getty Images
Time: 6:10 (12:10 GMT). Vegas Line: CLE -130/+120 MIN
Weather: 72 Degrees, Looked At Clouds From Both Sides
TV: FSN. Radio: Let Down In Anger

Friday before last, we were tempted with visions of unloading Nolasco dancing through our heads. Alas, it was not to be. However, deep sources have revealed other San Diego/Minnesota trades that didn't. Quite. Happen.

Stadium Naming Rights

MIN gets: "Petco." SD gets: "Target."

Target Center, visible from Target Field, has a huge painting of some dog wearing a Target logo over one eye. This is creepy; it suggests Spuds Mackenzie after rehab. Much better to repaint that logo giving the dog two good eyes and a chew toy. "Target" would fit well in San Diego, near many military installations. You could have drone-themed fan promos. Fun!

Reason shot down: 100,000 souvenir drink cups already printed up.

Climate

SD gets: All kinds of frozen hell and badly needed precipitation. MIN gets: Warmth, permanent ban of bitching about having actual seasons

Reason shot down: Camp Pendleton, a huge (quite lovely) training base north of San Diego, would lose its desert character, and purpose, if the weather changed. To quote one Pentagon spokesperson, "it's not like we need to prepare recruits for invading Greenland or anything, there's no oil there."

(Note: There's actually a shitton of oil there. Keep this quiet.)

Suicidal Cults

MIN gets: Heaven's Gate, a cult based in swank San Diego exurb Rancho Santa Fe, whose members believed the appearance of comet Hale-Bopp meant they should all die and join the spaceship coming to bring Paradise.

SD gets: Timberwolves fans

Reason shot down: Minnesota Lynx coach Cheryl Reeve vetoed this, saying "we like having the Timberwolves around for the same reason you like having those @oracle gif me astros dealies."

Skeevy Bars

SD gets: Pretty much everything on the north side of Target Field. MIN gets: Larry Flynt's Hustler Club, near Petco Park

Reason shot down: The Hustler Club is no more. Unidentifiable contriibutor "twinsbrewer" described it this way: "basically, the Hustler Club had too offensive a name for locals and nowhere near enough titillation to draw swinish frat boys. It was a tolerable bar with pretty girls in tasteful outfits and a nice outdoor deck. Goddamn it, it was quiet, and every other friggin' place in San Diego with a deck had party music ramped up while I was trying to coordinate surgical options for a family member. I don't care if you call it "Sperm Machine's Ovum Fertilization Alcoholism Factory," it had a deck, I was able to have two beers and get my shit together. Hell, it was tamer than Hooters. If you really want sleazy, hit Alary's in Saint Paul. I think you can get VD just from looking at the popcorn machine. And mayors hang out there. Plus the Vulcans. Larry Flynt is a celibate AA member compared to those Winter Carnival maniacs."

Glass Palaces

MIN gets: The Crystal Cathedral funded by televangelist Robert Schuller, either a monument to thrilling moments of hope or a crass demonstration of greed, embezzlement, and audience manipulation, depending on one's point of view.

SD gets: The new Vikings stadium, duh

Reason shot down: SeaWorld employees voiced concerns over how the Vikings stadium's glass walls will act as a full-speed-header suicide attractor for birds. Said one SeaWorld representative, "we don't hate ALL animals. Just orcas."

Mike Pelfrey

You may recall, a few years back, Petco Park getting invaded by bees:

And Pelfrey, as we know, has his own beekeeper's hat:

This makes so much sense. Terry Ryan, you are hereby illuminated With My Wisdom.

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Today's pitchers are Ervin Santana and Trevor Bauer. I was going to make a spy joke because "Bauer" and recently traded Cleveland player Michael "Bourn," get it? So I looked for a ballplayer named Bond and the last one, Walt Bond, died of leukemia at age 29. He started his career with Cleveland, and died during the 1967 season after becoming a Twin. That's incredibly sad.

Sigh. Pitchers. Matchup-wise, Carlos Santana whomps Ervin and Mike Aviles does not. Bauer frustrates Dozier and Plouffe; Mauer hits him well and Hunter insanely (1.667 OPS in 12 PAs.) Digits (check out Santana's crazy SSS splits):

Dude ERA H/9 K/9 BB/9 HR/9 OPS L/R BAbip FIP
Bauer 3.98 7.4 8.8 3.6 1.2 .653/.702 .263 4.19
Santana 3.89 7.8 5.9 3.2 1.8 .569/.828 .220 5.56

Watch for Cleveland super-prospect Francisco Lindor and things he might do. Giovanny Urshela is thought of as promising, and has a cool name. Lineups:

10,000 Lakes Mistake By Lake
Brian Dozier, 2B Jose Ramirez, 2B
Joe Mauer, 1B Francisco Lindor, SS
Miguel Sano, DH Best Arm In LF, LF
Plouuuufe, 3B Carlos Santana, 1B
Torii Hunter, RF Yan Gomes, DH
Eddie Rosario, LF Lonnie Chisenhall, RF
Aaron Hicks, CF Giovanny Urshela, 3B
Kurt Suzuki, C Abraham Almonte, CF
Eduardo Escobar, SS Roberto Perez, C