So... about this feature. I did one of these back at the beginning of the year when the Twins were a garbage fire and hilariously bad, and they promptly went off and achieved the best record in the American League. I then produced a fairly optimistic version at the All-Star break, which was followed immediately by the team losing all their games and Torii Hunter aging 73 years and Glen Perkins contracting ebola, hantavirus, and dropsy all at the same time. So the heck if I'm going to stake out a coherent tone here. I'm just going to present the stats, and we should all be thankful that I don't have anything to compare to-

Wait a minute. What's that? Do... do you hear that? Oh, no...

Good god, that's the 1899 Cleveland Spiders' music!

(hit on the head with a folding chair by the ghost of Crazy Schmit)

Anyway, read these stats:

Batting Average
2015 Twins: .247
1899 Cleveland Spiders: .253

Twins leader in OPS: Mike Pelfrey
Twins leader in ERA: Shane Robinson

Won-Lost Record on September 10th
2015 Twins: 72-67
2009 Twins (AL Central champions): 70-70

Pythagorean Winning Percentage
2015 Twins: .491
1987 Twins (World Series champions): .487

OPS
Aaron Hicks (since recall): .801
Torii Hunter (career): .793

OPS
Eduardo Escobar (since becoming starting shortstop): .938
Alex Rodriguez (career): .938

At-bats per Home Run
Harmon Killebrew: 14.22
Barry Bonds: 12.92
Miguel Sano: 12.25

OPS
Joe Mauer (2015): .731
Randy Bush (career): .747

OPS with Runners in Scoring Position
Joe Mauer (2015): .927
Kirby Puckett (career): .879
BUT JOE MAUER ISNT CLUTCH: wargle blargle

On-base Percentage (batting title qualified)
Joe Mauer: .336
Everyone else on the Twins: Less than .336

OPS+
Madison Bumgarner: 115
Every batting title qualified Twin: Less than 115
Even Dozier: Yep
Criminy: Yep

Triples
Eddie Rosario: 11
Toronto Blue Jays: 13

Outfield Assists
Eddie Rosario: 15
St. Louis Cardinals: 11

Intentional Walks
Joe Mauer: 11
Toronto Blue Jays: 9

OPS
Eric Fryer: .508
Chris Herrmann: .505
Drew Butera: .506

Double Plays Grounded Into
Trevor Plouffe: 26
Twins franchise record: 28 (Harmon Killebrew, 1970)

Twins pitchers averaging one or more strikeouts per inning
Caleb Thielbar (ERA 5.40)
Michael Tonkin (ERA 6.39)
A.J. Achter (ERA 6.48)
Ryan O'Rourke (ERA 6.75)
Alex Meyer (ERA 16.88) (whoa)
Shane Robinson (ERA 0.00 but is actually an outfielder)

I guess we'll keep pitching to contact, then: (deep sigh) Fine.

And, the most important stat of all...

GAMES BACK OF A PLAYOFF SPOT: 1.5