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Who should we cheer for in the playoffs since the Twins won't be there?

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Welcome to the Slumpbuster Series, a series designed to reverse the curses Jesse has put upon the Minnesota Twins by being too optimistic.

Bruce Kluckhohn-USA TODAY Sports

"Because what’s worse than knowing you want something, besides knowing you can never have it?"

We're cursed. We're all cursed. God knows the Vikings won't ever win a championship and at this rate the Twins won't ever win again, either. Actually, thank goodness for the Minnesota Lynx. If it weren't for their championship runs in 2011 and 2013, nobody under 30 would know what a title looks like. And that's assuming that those who were old enough to remember the 1991 World Series were sober enough to have a memory or two of Games 6 and 7.

The Twins have lost five in a row for the third time this year and it basically means the season is over. Tear off your clothes and gnash your teeth until they bleed, people. Welcome to Loserville, population: the Twins. Or Twins fans.

Anyway, since there are only 14 games left and nobody wants to see the Twins go 0-14, which they obviously will, let's talk about who else we might give our fleeting allegiances to in October.

American League

Toronto Blue Jays (85-63)

Baseball aficionados argue over whether we call it the "World Series" because of a newspaper, even though evidence seems to not exist in support of the idea. That's all the reason we need to cheer for Toronto. The World Series doesn't actually crown the earth's best baseball team, it just says "Yo, this one of a select 30 teams was the best of those 30 teams." So why not cheer for the one team that makes this whole thing almost international?

Kansas City Royals (86-62)

"Awww, that's cute," we all thought last year. "The Royals are good again! That's adorable!" So if you still think the Royals are cute you can cheer for Kansas City, I guess.

Texas Rangers (80-68)

Remember when Nolan Ryan beat up Robin Ventura? That was awesome. Also, this is kinda like cheering against the White Sox.

New York Yankees (81-66)

There's a good dirty and a bad dirty. Cheering for the Yankees is the filthiest of the bad dirty. Up yours, glory hunter.

Houston Astros (78-71)

The Astros were terrible forever. And there isn't the natural desire to root against them regardless, like we have for the Royals, since Houston is relatively new to the American League and, in any event, isn't in the AL Central. They also have a look of the Twins a year in advance. In honor of what the Twins could be next year, the Astros aren't a bad choice.

Los Angeles Angels (76-72)

What, do you have Stockholm Syndrome or something? THEY JUST KICKED OUR ASS. Also: 2002.

National League

New York Mets (84-64)

Is Michael Cuddyer still playing or is he hurt? That might have an affect on my decision here. Plus, the Mets know pain. So maybe we can be happy for them.

Then again, they're also the Mets.

St. Louis Cardinals (92-56)

Baseball's best team, again. You gotta respect that organization. But oh yeah! Remember their announcers? THE WORST.

cards announcers are the worst literally the worst oh my god they're terrible

Los Angeles Dodgers (85-62)

They're sorta like the National League's version of the Yankees, but: Vin Scully. You can cheer for the Dodgers because Vin Scully.

Pittsburgh Pirates (88-60)

How do you have that record and just be a Wild Card team? Because the NL Central is brutally good this year and, I assume, will steamroll their way to the World Series. Not just the one team. Both teams will be from the NL Central. So cheering for one of those three teams is a smart move. Well chosen, professor.

Chicago Cubs (87-61)

Yeah, this is the National League's second Wild Card team. That race is over, by the way. These are their five teams. The Cubs have been cursed forever, and are to the Light Side of the Force what the White Sox are to the Dark Side.

Conclusions

The Twins aren't winning again. Ever. Stupid baseball.