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The Twins and Astros Are Playing An Important Series in September, Make Peace With Your God

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These are two teams that were supposed to be bad and they're not bad and it's very late in the season. It's really unlikely!

the astros are in first place and moon is red DO I NEED TO DRAW YOU A GODDAMN MAP
the astros are in first place and moon is red DO I NEED TO DRAW YOU A GODDAMN MAP
Phil Walter/Getty Images

As we enter Labor Day weekend, both the Houston Astros and Minnesota Twins are legitimate playoff contenders.  Last year's World Series run by the Kansas City Royals showed that unlikely championship players can emerge, but for these two wretched franchises to rebound at the same time (not to mention the Royals and Toronto becoming goddamn machines)?   This is not a thing a lot of people saw coming!

Just check your baseball previews from March to see how many of them had Houston and Minnesota and Kansas City and Toronto in the playoff mix.  You probably won't find one, because even if one of those exists, you have already burned it for being so fucking stupid.  This includes online previews.  It probably felt weird to burn your phone or tablet.  But I bet it felt good at the same time, like you were finally free of the shackles of technology to live and breathe like a human person again.

Anyway, since the unlikely is now frighteningly, thrillingly real, it's time for you to make peace with your god.

Now, we here at Twinkie Town don't want to tell you what and what not to worship, except for Andrew, who worships Baal and The Ancients and won't shut up about it.  But, given these events, it's clear that the End Times are here, and you need to get your shit in order.  It's been awhile, but I've been told that "repenting" is a thing?  Do repenting.

This doesn't mean you can't enjoy this weekend's series.  Indeed, it should be great fun, and we encourage you to watch the games with friends and loved ones.  And the Twins get the Royals next week!  That's awesome!

Still, though, brush up on all your Rapture-related literature and doomsday paraphernalia.  If you have Kirk Cameron's number, maybe give him a call?