Twins ZiPS Projections: Hitters Good, Pitching an Unending Tide of Animal Blood

Dan Szymborski's ZiPS Projections are a cornerstone of the baseball analytics community.  Through rigorous statistical analysis, ZiPS attempts to predict how your favorite team's players will perform in the coming season.

For your Minnesota Twins, there are some positives and negatives as spring training draws near.  The offense looks like it'll be pretty alright.  The pitching, though?  Well, that's another story.

When Szymborski ran the numbers, his computer "began to shake and smoke, almost as if by an occult hand," per the police report.  It goes on to read that, "The screen flashed one word, 'REPENT.' over and over.  Soon, the screen changed to 'IT'S TOO LATE FOR YOU NOW. IT'S TOO LATE FOR EVERYONE.'  Then the results printed out on a dot matrix printer in an abandoned crematorium three miles from Szymborski's residence.  It is not known at this time how or why this happened."

The results themselves are still shrouded in mystery, as the printout itself was in what some are calling a bastardized version of Aramaic.

"It appears to promise a tide of animal blood, one that will wash over the land like a plague," said a source close to the story who asked not to be named.  "Locusts, snakes, portents of evil, basically a scarier version of the Book of Revelation."

The source added that it also compared Phil Hughes to Brad Radke.