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Things Scott Ullger Might Conceivably Be Doing Right Now

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This is the content you get when the offseason hasn't started yet and there is nothing to write about.

that gum you like is back in style
that gum you like is back in style
Gregory Shamus/Getty Images

Former Twins third base coach Scott Ullger is known for a lot of things: Being the Twins third base coach for one, and...well, for other stuff, too. Anyway, please enjoy this work of speculative fiction about what he might be up to right now.

  • Playing video poker at a truck stop/casino in Billings, Montana. He is swearing at it under his breath. He just drew two kings. He is drinking a Monster Energy Drink.
  • Standing outside Jason Kubel's condo, waving him out into the heavy traffic to pick up a morning paper that is laying on the side of the road. (It's not Jason Kubel's condo. The paper is actually a dead squirrel. The police have been called.)
  • Sitting in Ron Gardenhire's RV with Gardy and Rick Anderson. They're about to cross into Canada. None of them have a valid passport, but Scott swears you just need to show a U.S. driver's license, say you're "good for it," point to a case of Coors Light, and wink, which is how he got into the Skydome once in 1994.
  • Eating at a fast casual restaurant in an outer-ring suburb. Let's say Friday's in Woodbury. His order for Jack Daniel's Boneless Wings has been placed. He is asking his server when the pull tab station opens. Ratt's "Round and Round" is playing.
  • Setting up his Facebook account. "Seeing what this whole Facebook thign is all abouT!!" is his first post.The next two will be popular memes featuring the Minions that completely misunderstand how the Constitution works.
  • Watching an NCIS rerun on his couch. "Jesus, that guy totally did it, look at him!" he yells at Mark Harmon. "That punk rock girl is only going to tell you the same thing after the next commercial." (He is right about this.)
  • Driving around town in his Grand Am. It's still pretty nice out, but he knows he's probably gonna have to park it for the winter soon enough. He's at a red light. The blonde in the Jetta next to him smiles. He smiles back. Ratt's "Round and Round" is playing.
  • Looking out his kitchen window at the morning sun. He's drinking a cup of black coffee with sugar. A squirrel skitters through the fallen leaves. He remembers a joke Gary Gaetti told about a farmer's daughter and an International Harvester tractor before that goofy bastard got religion. "No, that's the horse's name," he mutters. He laughs, and takes another sip of coffee.