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Things TC Bear Might Conceivably Be Doing Right Now

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This is the content you get when the offseason hasn't started yet and there is nothing to write about.

MLB All-Star Game Red Carpet Parade
just a couple of pals, waiting to serve The Old Ones again when the Reckoning comes
Photo by Mike Stobe/Getty Images

Twins mascot TC Bear is the beloved, furry beast that entertains the crowd at Target Field, participates in Home Run Derbies with local shock jocks, and continues to run from a past he cannot escape. Anyway, please enjoy this work of speculative fiction about what he might be up to right now.

  • Sitting in a dark Target Field storage closet, waiting for the call of the Old Ones from The Time Before, when he can sit once again at the right hand of Xysnsyus, drinking deep from the cup of the souls of the damned Spring Training.
  • Attending a charity function as a representative of an ancient evil, forgotten but never gone, a depthless black pulsing at the edge of the known world, ever waiting, always waiting the Twins.
  • Participating in a summit with other major league sports mascots as they discuss how they will one day soon reign in awful power over this savage wasteland, where their names will be whispered in a panicked hush by the unfortunate few who survive The Shaking Death best practices and encouraging fan participation.
  • Visiting a retirement home, posing for pictures with elderly fans and wondering if they’re old enough to remember The Time Before, when “TC Bear” was “Oso the Butcher,” red in tooth and paw, mauling and plundering as was his right, and woe betide those who stood between him and his merest whim signing autographs.
  • Appearing at a local car dealership for a year-end clearance sale with thoughts of cavorting in the bones and marrow of the defeated and innocent, oh, the longing for those days to be ushered in by Xysnsyus, may his reign be terrible and forever KSTP’s Joe Schmit.