The Twins last won the World Series in 1991, 25 years ago from today. We’re talking about where we were and what we remember over here.
But where were the actual 2016 players back then, and what were they doing? We reached out to each member of the team to ask them about their memories, but no one got back to us. Instead, I made up all of heir answers, just like I made up the fact that I asked the players in the first place.
Here’s what the 2016 Twins were doing twenty-five years ago, probably:
- Jose Berrios: Negative three years old. He wasn’t born until 1994. His parents probably weren’t even planning to have him yet (assuming, uh, that they did do that at some point).
- Byron Buxton: Also was not born yet. That didn’t happen until 1993. His mother may have already thought of the name Byron Buxton, though, because that is the kind of kick-ass name you come up with one day and then decide to have a kid just to name it that.
- Miguel Sano: Not born yet, according to the Twins. Was questionably alive to all other baseball teams.
- Max Kepler: Also. Not. Alive. Still just pieces of genetic tissue dancing around in his parents’ genitals somewhere in Germany.
- Jorge Polanco: Nope.
- Eddie Rosario: We got a live one! Eddie was about three-weeks old when the Twins won the ‘91 series. He definitely saw the entire Kent Hrbek/Ron Gant play unfold from his mother’s arms and has distinct opinions about it.
- John Ryan Murphy: Five months old. Still not responding to his name.
- Pat Light: Six months old. Having some sort of diaper explosion episode.
- Buddy Boshers: Three years old. Sawing off the head of his My Buddy doll (I imagine three year olds in Huntsville, AL are capable of this).
- J.T. Chargois: One year old. Definitely not being sent down to triple-A.
- Kennys Vargas: Just over one year old. Doesn’t remember the World Series, but already weighed over 45 pounds.
- Trevor May: Two years old. Listening to a cassette tape of Paula Abdul’s “Spellbound” in slow motion in his Teddy Ruxpin.
- Kyle Gibson: Four years old. Unknowingly eating cooked squirrel for dinner in Greenfield, IN (tasted like chicken).
Ervin Santana: Nine years old. Dreaming of one day being the most successful MLB pitcher named Johan Santana. (Sorry about that, not sorry about that,
- Alex Wimmers: Just under three years old. Watching the World Series with his parents in Ohio wondering how he was already that old.
- James Beresford: Two and a half. Putting another shrimp on the barbie.
- Eduardo Escobar: Also two and a half years old. Asleep having a nightmare about shrimps on barbies.
- Kurt Suzuki: Eight years old. Eating Spam directly from the can using a runcible spoon.
- Robbie Grossman: Two years old. Definitely one of those asshole kids already reading at an 6th grade level.
- Byung Ho Park: Five years old. Dreaming of one day being a famous pop star in Latin America. (Achieved said dream close enough!)
- Brian Dozier: Four and a half years old. Deep conditioning his hair with a home-made recipe that included honey, avocados, and the special sauce they put on Big Macs.
- Joe Mauer: Eight years old. Watching the game at home with his entire extended family, dreaming of becoming one of the greatest Minnesota Twins players of all time, and whispering to himself “Sorry, not sorry.”