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Things Kent Hrbek Might Conceivably Be Doing Right Now

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This is the content you get when the offseason hasn't started yet and there is nothing to write about.

Kansas City Royals v Minnesota Twins
kent hrbek rules
Photo by Hannah Foslien/Getty Images

Twins legend Kent Hrbek is a hometown hero, and we’ve recently celebrated the 25th anniversary of Ron Gant clearly being out.

Anyway, please enjoy this work of speculative fiction about what he might be up to right now.

  • The avid outdoorsman is putting the final touches on an entirely new animal to track and hunt. In his shed, covered in blood, gore, and feathers, he puts the finishing staple on the Mallbuck, a combination mallard and male deer. A crude lightning rod, fashioned from a 9 iron and a Radio Flyer wagon, sits on the patio, waiting for an autumn thunderstorm to bring the Mallbuck to lurching, terrible life.
  • Going to the gym. Not to work out, but because his fox estrus guy works there for his day job and is giving him the hook-up on some primo estrus.
  • Culver’s drive-thru (covered in estrus).
  • Filming a commercial for a local HVAC business (still just covered in estrus).
  • Watching a war movie, trying to tell if that smell is a vinegar fart or the estrus. He eats more chips and guac and pays it no mind. (It’s the estrus.)
  • Sitting in on a planning meeting for the new bloody mary at his eponymous bar at Target Field. His suggestion, a bloody mary that is equal parts vodka, venison steak, tomato juice, and Potato Oles, was met with polite nods, but he knows they’re not ready for it yet. Cowards.