So when I got home from work yesterday—because, you know, I’m really just a Twins fan like most of you, with my own bills to pay—I had a nice little e-mail waiting for me. I swear to god I didn’t even make this up:
Subject: Thhis orginization [sic] just had the ja0ajte this guyseason in its history, yet no real articles on that huge issue
Message: I have editorial feedback Community: Twinkie Town (30)
What the hell? Is this supposed to be anything other than some Twins organization sponsored site? If so, it isn't. Just lame.
Whoever sent this to me did so using SB Nation’s anonymous feedback form. I really hope it was one of you who did this just to make me laugh, because you were successful. And that would make me much less sad about humanity in general.
Anyway, I figured I would address this person’s concerns, since maybe some others of you shared these concerns, but just didn’t have the courage to write me an anonymous and poorly written letter to express said concerns.
Without further ado...
Dear Angry Twins Fan,
Are you sitting down for this? Okay. The 2016 Twins sucked. They were really fucking bad. They lost 103 games. That’s the most games any Twins team has lost. Ever.
Want me to analyze what went wrong here for you? Okay. Everything. Everything was wrong. Like the Moby record. Like Jim Pohlad himself said: Total system failure. The pitching sucked. The bullpen sucked. The hitting sucked. The defense? Sucked. I’m sorry I didn’t let you know about this immediately following the final game of the year. Kinda had more important things going on, and figured you already knew this anyway.
The Twins tried to put a 260 lb third baseman/DH in right field. That didn’t work. The Twins’ former All-Star closer, Glen Perkins? Didn’t pitch. He had a probably career ending shoulder injury. Starter Phil Hughes? Broke his damn knee. And then he had a rib removed. The new Korean Slugger, Byung Ho Park? Had some sort of wrist problem all year which landed him in the minors and eventually required season-ending surgery. The Twins tried to made Byron Buxton their everyday center fielder, but they had to send him down. Twice. Trevor Plouffe cracked a rib at just the right time that made it impossible to trade him. Then the Twins suddenly decided to fire their GM two weeks before the trade deadline. That was cool.
Through mid-May, the 2016 Twins were among the worst teams in all of baseball history. If you really think we here at Twinkie Town have written nothing about how bad this team is, for the love of god, read this extensive masterpiece by Andrew Bryzgornia.
The cherry on top of all of this? Prince died. It’s like god took the smelliest crap of all time and then didn’t even turn on the fan, let alone wash his hands.
The 2016 Twins sucked. You think I’m not acutely aware of how much this team sucked? You think we haven’t been covering this suck-dom for the past six months? If so, I’m sad to inform you that you’re the one who hasn’t been paying attention. Go visit all those links in the past couple paragraphs and catch up.
But you know what? I actually have a lot of hope for the future, and I’d like to continue to focus on that. The Twins are finally updating their front office. The Twins have such an amazing group of young players. I mean, did you SEE that inside the park home run by Byron Buxton? Can you imagine Byung Ho Park with a fixed wrist? And Max Kepler? Come on. That Jose Berrios curve ball? And all you’re writing me because I’m not writing enough pieces about how bad and terrible and awful everything is?
Of course the Twins don’t have everything figured out already. Why would they? Maybe I’m just a little older and more patient than you, anonymous letter writer. I apologize.
Call your family and tell them how much you love them. Life is short.
Love all of you forever,