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Things Derek Falvey Might Conceivably Be Doing Right Now

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What is the new Twins personnel boss up to? Here is some speculation.

Pictured: a coffee pot.
Pictured: a coffee pot.
Dave Winer/Flickr

Derek Falvey was introduced to Minnesota on Monday as the new Chief of Baseball Operations, replacing Terry Ryan as the chief architect of the franchise. He's already made some moves (confirming that Paul Molitor will remain the manager, letting coaches Tom Brunansky and Butch Davis go), and may be interested in Astros catcher Jason Castro.

But what else is he doing? For that, please enjoy this work of speculative fiction about what he might be up to right now.

  • Going to the supply closet to get a legal pad and some pens. There is a sign on the triple-locked door: "PLEASE REMEMBER THAT A PIECE OF PAPER HAS TWO SIDES, AND THAT BALLPOINT PENS DON'T GROW ON TREES. MANY MECHANICS, PET STORES, AND DENTIST OFFICES HAVE FREE PENS. THANKS IN ADVANCE FOR YOUR USUAL FINE COOPERATION! --T. Ryan"
  • Some math, probably.
  • Struggling for the right metaphor for the the organization's pitching depth in an email to Thad Levine. "Getting punched in the neck forever by sadness" is what he settles on.
  • Grabbing a cup of coffee in the office kitchen. There is a sign above the coffee maker: "REMEMBER THE 'TWO POT' RULE. IF YOU WANT TO THROW AWAY THE GROUNDS AFTER MAKING ONE POT OF COFFEE, GO WORK FOR THE YANKEES (HA HA)! THAT SECOND POT MAY NOT TASTE THE SAME, BUT IT LOOKS THE SAME. BRING SOME SUGAR FROM HOME AND YOU'LL HARDLY NOTICE THE DIFFERENCE. THANKS IN ADVANCE FOR YOUR USUAL FINE COOPERATION! --T. Ryan"
  • More math. Maybe a pivot table or two.
  • Walking down a Target Field corridor. There's a door with a nameplate that says "Property of Bill Smith." He asks a team employee what's in there. "Oh, that's Billy's pudding closet. It's open, take a look." He opens the door. Shelf upon shelf of pudding cups. Tapioca, chocolate, vanilla. "Go ahead and take one," the employee says. "Just replace it the next time you go to the store. No butterscotch. That's the rule."
  • Looking through old files. "ANALYTICS DEPARTMENT EQUIPMENT OUTLAYS, 2013" catches his eye. He opens the folder. It's a single copy of a receipt for a 10-key calculator from Radio Shack. "Reimbursement approved, but batteries are the responsibility of the user" is scrawled in red pen on it.
  • Receiving the following text from Jim Pohlad. "The old guy with the giant tape recorder at the press conference wasn't a running bit from a wacky morning show, no. Please call if you have any questions."
  • Remains pretty sure it's a running bit.
(Note: if you want to read about what he actually was doing, the Strib's Phil Miller has the goods in today's paper.)