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Entire 2002 Twins Roster Hired as Special Advisors

“We figured Tony Fiore had nothing better going on. We figured right.”

Eddie Guardado is swarmed
Pictured: The Band
Photo by Donald Miralle/Getty Images

In the wake of news that LaTroy Hawkins, Torii Hunter, and Michael Cuddyer were all returning to an organization that already employs Eddie Guardado and Doug Mientkiewicz, the Minnesota Twins announced that they were just going to bring back everyone else from the 2002 roster, too.

“Lot of these guys are just sitting around, not doing much of anything,” said new Twins GM Thad Levine. “(Brad) Radke just spends all day fishing, and we figured Tony Fiore had nothing better going on. We figured right.”

Although the roles aren’t clear, a team source says they’re prepared to offer “all sorts of phony-baloney job titles, like ‘special advisor’ and ‘team ambassador’” to everyone from J.C. Romero to Tom Prince.

“I don’t know that we’ll have them doing too much actual work with the current roster,” said the source. “But have you seen our fans pee their britches every time we do something with the ‘87 or ‘91 teams? I figure if we wheel out (A.J.) Pierzynski and Joe Mays on a golf cart on a Tuesday night in July, that’ll boost walk-up sales 35%. At a minimum.”

The logistics of hiring this many people are still being worked out.

“It’s just going to be the guys who were on the ALDS playoff roster,” the source confirmed. “No offense to Todd Sears, but you do have to draw a line somewhere.

“We figure we’ll just rent a floor or two of one of the downtown hotels where the guys can stay, just like old times,” he continued. “And since Gardy (longtime Twins manager Ron Gardenhire) is working for Arizona now, it sounds like (Kyle) Lohse is on board, too.”

The absence of Gardenhire will be felt, per Levine.

“You can’t just replace his unique brand of gruff and lovable red-assedness,” said the general manager. “I know we’ve got (former Twins coach) Scotty Ullger on board, and he said he’s got his Grand Am fired up and a ‘hook-up at Cuzzy’s.’ I don’t really know what any of that means, but Guardado high-fived me when I told him.”