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Twins hire LaTroy Hawkins, Torii Hunter, and Michael Cuddyer as special assistants

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The Twins are hiring three former Twins to help whip the organization back into shape—for real.

MLB: Kansas City Royals at Minnesota Twins
IT WON’T LET ME USE ANY STUPID PICTURES OF THE BAND SO SETTLE FOR THIS PICTURE OF TORII!!!!
Marilyn Indahl-USA TODAY Sports

It’s official: We’re getting the band back together. Kinda.

As has been rumored and joked about over the past week, the Twins officially announced today that they have hired Torii Hunter, Michael Cuddyer, and LaTroy Hawkins all to serve as special assistants to baseball operations next season.

So what exactly do ”special assistants to baseball operations” do? According to the team’s press release, they “will be resources for the front office, coaching staff and players.” The release also says they will serve as instructors at Spring Training and visit minor league affiliates throughout the year.

They’ll also all be at TwinsFest and do charity stuff, because duh.

However, each new assistant also has a slightly more specific focus as well:

  • LaTroy Hawkins will be helping the organization with (are you sitting down for this?) overall pitching philosophy. He’ll also be doing some amateur scouting and helping with the trade deadline.
  • Torii Hunter will be helping (are you EXTRA sitting down for this one?) “the organizational and clubhouse culture.” Seriously. He’ll also help out with the amateur Draft process, scouting, minor league affiliates, and trade deadline stuff.
  • Michael Cuddyer will have more cerebral duties, helping develop transition programs that teach players about the mental side of being a Major Leaguer (a.k.a. how to deal with Torii Hunter’s organizational and clubhouse culture). He’ll assist with the draft and trade deadline too.

All three guys talked to reporters about how excited they were to be back with the Twins. "It’s an opportunity I don't take lightly. I've been a lot of places, but my heart has always been in Minnesota,” Hawkins told reporters on a conference call this afternoon. “I had some other offers, but once the Twins offer came, I was ecstatic. I knew there wasn’t any other place I’d rather be."

"No disrespect to any other teams, but there was only one team I saw myself being associated with again—the Twins,” Cuddyer told reporters. Hunter shared a similar sentiment, saying, “I came back to retire as a Twin. When I came back to retire, I was here to stay for life.”

On the decision to bring back the three members of the 2002 Minnesota Twins, Derek Falvey said “This is about as close to a no-brainer as it gets in this game.”

Yeah, that’s what I’ve been saying—FOR LITERALLY GOD DAMN YEARS.

Now, let’s sign Johan Santana.