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BREAKING: Twins front office emails hacked!

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It's even worse than you thought it was! Or it might be satire.

"We do not forgive. We do not forget. Go Twins!"
"We do not forgive. We do not forget. Go Twins!"
Jack Taylor/Getty Images

Twinkie Towners have been privy to some interesting crowd-sourced conspiracy theories over the years. Most of these conspiracy theories have been quickly debunked as tin-foil hat nuttery, as they should be. Typically, the instigator is rounded up by an angry mob of regulars, bound in duct tape, covered with maple syrup and mallard feathers, and then dropped off at the Twinkie Town city limits from the back of a slow-moving pickup.


That is, until now. A mysterious group in Iceland calling itself "MinneLeaks" has released emails hacked from Dave St. Peter’s Twins email account after he left his cellphone at Keys Cafe where he enjoyed some lingonberry pancakes and coffee. Here are some of the emails they have released, there may be more.

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From: Jim Pohlad

To: Dave St Peter

Date: November 5, 2017 10:03 AM

Subject: Falvey and Levine


Dave St. Peter:


Just wanted to make sure the new hires are aware of how we operate here. That they know we only want a Twins team good enough to sell tickets to working stiffs, fill the seats and stuff their bellies full of stadium food and beer. You start talking about being "World Series contenders" and you start talking about a lot of money down the drain. We’re running a business here not a charity. Do I make myself clear?


(signed) Jim Pohlad


Dictated but not read


November 5, 2017 at 10:12 AM Dave St Peter wrote:


Oh hej there, Jim!


Oh, you betcha they do! Yah I filled Derek and Tad in on the whole thing myself there don’t ya know! They’re all into that new numbers-gimmicky stuff there but they tell me they get it, only good enough to get into the playoffs and then done, just like you said there. And we still got Rob on the inside to keep them in line and let us know what’s going on and all.


Anyway, go Sioux! Looks like another good hockey team this year, eh? That game against the Gophers should be a real humdinger!


Regards,

Dave


November 5, 2017 at 10:18 AM Jim Pohlad wrote:


Dave St Peter:


That’s fine, Dave. Rob is a fine man, eager but not too eager, just what I want. He unloaded that Ricky Nolasco for us. That was Terry Ryan’s problem - a soft heart. Couldn’t take the bad press so he spent our money like it grew on trees. My father didn’t earn his fortune foreclosing on dirt farmers during the depression so some weak numbskull could fritter it away on expensive baseball players. By the way, send a big turkey each over to Phil Hughes and Glen Perkins before Thanksgiving. They’re willingness to have unnecessary surgeries so we could have another bad season made it easy to get rid of Ryan. He was a boil on my neck for long enough.


(signed) Jim Pohlad


Dictated but not read


November 5, 2017 at 10:23 AM Dave St Peter wrote:


You betcha I will! Things folks will do these days for baseball, eh? Uff da, It’s changed a lot since I played it when I was a kid back in Bismarck.


Oh hej! Did you hear this one? I heard it on Lake Wobegon the other day. Keillor really cracks me up, I tell ya! So Sven and Lena both die and they don’t go to Heaven, they go to the other place, ya know? So anyway, it’s really warm there so they both kind of like it there. They like it so much that Old Nick himself decides to put a stop to that so he makes it cold, but they’re both from the old country don’t ya know. So he has to make it real cold. He makes so cold, even the Lake of Fire freezes solid. Sven and Lena start jumping up and down, whooping and hollering they’re so happy. So the Devil finally asks "What’s going on here?" So then Sven says, "Hell froze over! That must mean the Vikings won the Super Bowl!" Heh heh! Get it? Me and the wife love the Lake Wobegon Show.


Regards,

Dave


November 5, 2017 at 10:32 AM Jim Pohlad wrote:


Dave St Peter:


Now, the Vikings. There’s a team that gets what we’re trying to do here. Never won a Super Bowl, but still got the city to buy them a shiny new stadium with all the bells and whistles they could’ve dreamed of. The Lynx owner, Glen Taylor, is a man of high ideals - so called. High ideals with no common sense can ruin a town. You end up with discontented, lazy rabble instead of a lean, thrifty working class.

(signed) Jim Pohlad


Dictated but not read


November 5, 2017 at 10:39 AM Dave St Peter wrote:


Yah, that’s interesting, Jim. Say there, the Misses was planning on making some of her famous hotdish this weekend, and was wondering if you and Donna might want to come over. We could watch the Sioux game on the TV while the ladies catch up, eh? I might be able to talk her into making some cinnamon rolls too!


Regards,

Dave