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Why Hasn’t Brian Dozier Been Traded? A TWINKIE TOWN ONE-ACT PLAY

Dealing the All-Star second baseman makes sense. So why hasn’t it happened yet?

Historical Route 66 Increasingly Threatened By Development
this is the picture searching for “dust bowl” provides
Photo by Scott Olson/Getty Images

Trade talk has swirled around Brian Dozier non-stop since the final out of the 2016 season. Given the bounty parting with Adam Eaton bestowed upon the White Sox, the pitching-starved Twins will almost certainly move their All-Star second baseman. But as of this writing, no deal has gone down.

Why not?

We attempt to answer this question with another one-act play.

A hotel bar in what could be any major American city. Three baseball general managers are sitting at a table nursing beers and finishing off some chicken wings.

GENERAL MANAGER #1: I don’t get it. I just don’t.

GENERAL MANAGER #2: The Dozier thing?

GM1: Yeah. I mean, he should be looking for homes in Los Angeles right now.

GENERAL MANAGER #3: Man, I thought we had him. But things are different there.

GM2: What’s different?

GM3: The new guys. Falvey and Levine. The old tricks don’t work no more.

GM1: Bullshit. Did you do the $20 Tease?

GM3: You think I didn’t? That’s the first thing you do!

GM2: What’s the $20 Tease?

GM3: You go into the room for a face-to-face meeting with whoever’s running shit there. You put your proposal on the table. Before they could respond, you pull a crisp $20 out of your billfold. Then you say, “There’s more where that came from. We don’t even have to give you a player. We can give you a lot of these. A lot. Go tell your boss.” Those fuckin’ new kids, they just looked at each other and laughed. Said that unless Andrew Jackson can hit 97 with location, they weren’t interested.

GM1: Used to be a slam dunk.

GM3: A slam dunk!

GM1: I tell you another thing I heard: Pulling a Good Old Days on ‘em ain’t doing it neither.

GM3: Oh no way, man. No way.

GM2: Good Old Days?

GM1: You see, what happens is, you listen to their offer, then you counter. It’s a terrible counter, but what you do is, you grab your briefcase. You get a folder marked “The Good Times” or some stupid thing. You pull out a picture. It’s black-and-white or sepia-toned, some of that Ken Burns bullcrap. You pass it to Terry or Billy or whoever facedown, then say, “Make sure the bosses see it.”

GM2: What’s the picture of?

GM3: It’s a Dust Bowl family. They’re all ragged and crying, and the father is giving the keys to the farm to these bankers. They’re having a good laugh and smoking cigars.

GM2: That works?

GM1: How do you think the Nationals got (Wilson) Ramos for Matty fuckin’ Capps?

GM3: Used to let ‘em know you were on their side against those no-account hicks.

GM1: It’s a new world, I tell ya.

GM3: That it is, that it is.