Why Hasn’t Brian Dozier Been Traded? A TWINKIE TOWN ONE-ACT PLAY

Trade talk has swirled around Brian Dozier non-stop since the final out of the 2016 season. Given the bounty parting with Adam Eaton bestowed upon the White Sox, the pitching-starved Twins will almost certainly move their All-Star second baseman. But as of this writing, no deal has gone down.

Why not?

We attempt to answer this question with another one-act play.

A hotel bar in what could be any major American city. Three baseball general managers are sitting at a table nursing beers and finishing off some chicken wings.

GENERAL MANAGER #1: I don’t get it. I just don’t.

GENERAL MANAGER #2: The Dozier thing?

GM1: Yeah. I mean, he should be looking for homes in Los Angeles right now.

GENERAL MANAGER #3: Man, I thought we had him. But things are different there.

GM2: What’s different?

GM3: The new guys. Falvey and Levine. The old tricks don’t work no more.

GM1: Bullshit. Did you do the $20 Tease?

GM3: You think I didn’t? That’s the first thing you do!

GM2: What’s the $20 Tease?

GM3: You go into the room for a face-to-face meeting with whoever’s running shit there. You put your proposal on the table. Before they could respond, you pull a crisp $20 out of your billfold. Then you say, “There’s more where that came from. We don’t even have to give you a player. We can give you a lot of these. A lot. Go tell your boss.” Those fuckin’ new kids, they just looked at each other and laughed. Said that unless Andrew Jackson can hit 97 with location, they weren’t interested.

GM1: Used to be a slam dunk.

GM3: A slam dunk!

GM1: I tell you another thing I heard: Pulling a Good Old Days on ‘em ain’t doing it neither.

GM3: Oh no way, man. No way.

GM2: Good Old Days?

GM1: You see, what happens is, you listen to their offer, then you counter. It’s a terrible counter, but what you do is, you grab your briefcase. You get a folder marked “The Good Times” or some stupid thing. You pull out a picture. It’s black-and-white or sepia-toned, some of that Ken Burns bullcrap. You pass it to Terry or Billy or whoever facedown, then say, “Make sure the bosses see it.”

GM2: What’s the picture of?

GM3: It’s a Dust Bowl family. They’re all ragged and crying, and the father is giving the keys to the farm to these bankers. They’re having a good laugh and smoking cigars.

GM2: That works?

GM1: How do you think the Nationals got (Wilson) Ramos for Matty fuckin’ Capps?

GM3: Used to let ‘em know you were on their side against those no-account hicks.

GM1: It’s a new world, I tell ya.

GM3: That it is, that it is.