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Rule 5—A One-Act Minnesota Twins Play

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Why did the Twins do what they did yesterday? This brief piece of dramatic fiction hopefully explains it.

i love the theater
Photo by Tristan Fewings/Getty Images

Twins Executive Vice President Derek Falvey and General Manager knock on the door of Twins CEO Bill Pohlad. He tells them to come in.

DEREK FALVEY: Bill, we have some good news. Thad and I picked up Miguel Diaz in the Rule 5 Draft. He’s that righty from the Brewers we talked about. We really think he can contribute.

BILL POHLAD: Terrific. And how much cash did you get?

THAD LEVINE: Beg your pardon?

BP: The cash. When you make a transaction, you get cash. How much did you get?

DF: Bill, it’s a draft. Cash isn’t involved.

Pohlad taps a button on his speakerphone. He summons Twins President Dave St. Peter. St. Peter enters the room. He is wearing a UND hockey jersey on a Thursday for some reason.

BP: Dave, didn’t you tell Derek and Thad about the money?

DAVE ST. PETER: Aw hell, you two drafted a guy in the Rule 5, didn’t you?

DF: Yes. We were told to improve the team, and we think Migue—

DSP: Yeah, terrific, I was in your interview, I know. Here, look at this.

St. Peter pulls a napkin out of his pocket. It is from the Embers family restaurant chain. There is writing on the back with a signature. He hands it to Levine.

DSP: Read it.

TL: “The three ‘F’s: Family. Finance. Foreclosure. Signed, Carl Pohlad.” I’m confused.

DSP: It’s in both your contracts. The part with the real small letters.

DF: I’m not following.

BP: It means what it means. Now, go back to your war room or whatever and make a move. The move will involve cash. Call the Padres, they’ll probably do something. That’ll be all, gentlemen. My brother wants to talk to me about getting Emma Stone for a Chrissie Hynde biopic. I just don’t see it myself.