Major League Baseball announced a couple rule changes intended to continue making the games more like Ramones songs than Emerson, Lake, & Palmer wankfests. (This analogy is good, don't let anyone tell you different.) There is now a 30-second clock when the manager or pitching coach makes a mound visit, and between-innings breaks have been slashed by a good 20 seconds.
But frankly, that's not good enough. Here, then, are more suggested changes that the game should adopt to continue thriving:
- Five inning games. Check the rulebook, buttholes: A game is official after five innings of play. Why are you playing more than that if the game's not tied? "Work smarter, not harder." -John the Baptist
- Extra innings should just be the dizzy bat contest. You know, when you spin around the bat for a certain amount of rotations, then try to run the bases without falling down like a fuckin' idiot? That one. Try to find a player with a keen sense of balance and plus-plus speed. Don't use a Bills fan.
- Dingers have a base value of five runs, then 6, 7, and 10 for a grand slam. Dingers are awesome, and should be worth more baseball points. Harder to have ties and Dizzies (that's what extra innings are called now) when someone hangs a 15-20 run inning. I'm right about this.
- Change the National Anthem to the Pledge of Allegiance. The Pledge is like a minute shorter, and it'll keep the patriots happy.
- Eliminate the throw back to the pitcher from the catcher. Just have a bucket of balls at the mound for the pitcher to grab a new one. (The bucket can be branded for merchandising, so this is also a money-making opportunity.) "But what about baserunners," you ask. Simple: If they want to steal a base, they have to reach the base before being tackled by the defense. Once the knee is down, the runner is down. Football is a very popular sport, I am told. "But what if the ball hits the bucket and other balls spill out?" Well...
- MULTIBALL CHALLENGE! Say a batted ball hits the Ford Fiesta Mound Bucket™ and the remaining baseballs spill onto the field of play. Those balls are now live, and will count as runs or outs, depending on a system I am still workshopping. It'll be great, I promise. As great as this GIF:
If you have your own ideas on how to improve the pace of play, feel free to leave them in the comments below.