Tusk is Fleetwood Mac's weirdest record, a double album follow-up to Rumours, the gazillion-selling soundtrack to your parents' trial separation. Lindsey Buckingham recorded songs in his bathroom or propped up on the floor, Stevie Nicks and Christine McVie occasionally checked in, and not a one of the 20 songs sounded like "Go Your Own Way." It's also a terrific record, especially if you dig Lindsey indulging his Brian Wilson jones or speculating about what happened to Stevie's voice between Rumours and Tusk. (Cocaine. The answer is cocaine.)
And that brings us to your 2016 Minnesota Twins. The talented Steve McPherson compared the recent vintage Minnesota Timberwolves to the evolution of Fleetwood Mac for 1500ESPN. I read this, asked someone on Twitter to do something like this for the Twins, and realized only one person was stupid and old enough to do so.
Here, then, is each song on Tusk and its 2016 Minnesota Twins equivalent.
- "Over & Over" = Eddie Rosario. Baserunners keep testing Eddie, even when they oughtn't.
- "The Ledge" = Phil Hughes. If he returns to 2014 form, that's a major plus for a team with plenty of offensive firepower. If he doesn't, there's a lot of time and money left on that contract.
- "Think About Me" = Eduardo Escobar. The Twins have been looking for an answer at shortstop for 170 years, give or take. Finally, last year, they just said, "Eff it. Ed, go out there." And Ed kept his shoulder to the wheel and gave them a terrific year. Buncha bleep-talkers probably thinking they can upgrade over Ed, but Ed's just gonna be here, grinding, doing his job, and proving you wrong, a-holes.
- "Save Me a Place" = J.O. Berrios. He wasn't sent down to due to service time considerations, it's because the other options are all better than him. Ok. When he gets called back up, the other options will no longer be better than him, and it'll just be a coincidence that the service time considerations are more favorable to the franchise. Ok. She was a pool waitress, Russ.
- "Sara" = Tommy Milone. The best Stevie song on the record. Contains the lyric, "You're the poet in my heart." "Mommy Tilone" is the most poetic spoonerism on this roster. This would work better if Milone wrote poetry or was named Sara, but this will have to do.
- "What Makes You Think You're The One" = Ervin Santana. A failed drug test marred Santana's first season with the Twins. He was also nails during the Twins unexpected run at a playoff spot in September. He also *also* wouldn't have been eligible if they'd somehow gotten past the Astros. So, Erv, yeah.
- "Storms" = Byung Ho Park. He's been hitting some thunderous dingers in spring training (GET IT?). Also, if another expensive overseas signing flames out, it might become...stormy for the Twins front office. The name of the song is "Storms." I don't know if you caught that.
- "That's All for Everyone" = Kurt Suzuki. Almost definitely his last go-round in a Twins uniform. Remember when he was an All-Star? That was wild. Anyway, have a good one, Kurt.
- "Not That Funny" = Ricky Nolasco. Everything he says to the media tends to sound, whether intended or not, like he's miserable here. Also, one could say this describes Nolasco still having a rotation spot. One could say this a lot, as a matter of fact.
- "Sisters of the Moon" = Danny Santana and Oswaldo Arcia. "So we make our choices/When there is no choice." Congratulations on making the team/not having any minor league options left, guys!
- "Angel" = Brian Dozier. Both due to his All-Star production and sent-from-heaven hair. I do not think he will be traded to the Angels, but if that does happen please refer back to this piece and drive traffic to the site thx.
- "That's Enough for Me" = Trevor Plouffe. Made himself into a competent third baseperson, largely without fanfare. Will probably be the guy who gets moved first once the Twins go into buyer/seller mode or Miguel Sano goes full Delmon in right. I appreciated you, Trevor. I did.
- "Brown Eyes" = Kyle Gibson. It looks like he has brown eyes. They might be hazel, but I really don't know where else to fit him in here.
- "Never Make Me Cry" = Glen Perkins. Be healthy, Glen. Please.
- "I Know I'm Not Wrong" = Trevor May. You should be starting, Trevor. You taking the 7th/8th inning without complaint is fine, but if Tommy Milone is getting beaten like a tin drum every fifth day and you have to pitch in a low-leverage situation just to get work, I'm going to be sad.
- "Honey Hi" = John Ryan Murphy. Please be a good catcherman. Your spring training average is Butera-esque. That's not good. Are you related to anyone from iCarly?
- "Beautiful Child" = Joe Mauer. Sigh.
- "Walk a Thin Line" = Byron Buxton. Despite the presence of "Tusk"/Miguel Sano, this/he is possibly the best song/player on the album/team. Also, Buxton is thin.
- "Tusk" = Miguel Sano. The only real hit on the record, it has an unstoppable, violent momentum, similar to the swing Sano uses to murder innocent baseballs that never did anything to anyone. A cynic might say this also describes how Sano fields his new position, but I will not be that cynic today.
- "Never Forget" = Kevin Jepsen and Tyler Duffey. Hey, remember when these two stabilized the pitching staff last year? Don't forget that!