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Make the Twins Great Again: A Six-Point Plan from Tom Hanson

Anoka resident and classic North Metro shit-for-brains Tom Hanson has some ideas on how the Twins can take the next step.

Logan Bowles-USA TODAY Sports

Hi.  Stu asked me if I had any thoughts on the 2016 season.  I do.  Here they are.

1.       Arrest Joe Mauer for theft. He's stealing money, and since taxpayer money helped the Pohlads build Target Field, he's stealing it from us.  There are relevant statues (sic) if you need references.  I've attempted to make multiple citizen's arrests at Target Field and now the Obammunists say I can't go within 500 feet of the stadium.  Kinda like the fans after the home opener LOL.

2.       Make Paul Molitor manager for life. Remember when he got super mad at that punk from Cleveland flipping his bat?  That night I vowed to follow him into hell.  Paulie understands that knuckleheads like Jose Bautista and Yasiel Puig are ruining the great AMERICAN game.

3.       Sit Miguel Sano. Lotta the Poindexters will probably cry about this, "Why are you benching our best offensive player?"  Listen:  If you think statistics are more important than leadership, go smoke some reefer and "feel the bern" with your hippie buddies. Anyway, this lardass doesn't get to play until he loses some weight and, while we're at it, no more dancing.  Harmon Killebrew didn't dance.  RF stands for "right field" not "really fat" haha.

4.       Trade for Jonathan Papelbon. We all know the bullpen needs help.  Matter of fact, I haven't eaten at Perkins since they made that bum the closer, and it's not just because of frequent misunderstandings about bounced checks.  We all know we have young hotshots like Sano and Byron Buxton who think they're bigger than the game and need to learn how to play the game the right way.  When Papelbon tried to beat up Bryce Harper, he showed that he knows the only MVP is Make Victory Perfect.  When you don't run out one pop fly, congrats, you lost.  Scoreboard may say different, but the men who play the game know.  David Eckstein ran out every pop fly.  David Eckstein won two World Series.  Bryce Harper has won zero.  Funny how the Aaron Gleemans and Nate Silvers of the world don't mention that stat.  Funny.

5.       Call up Max Kepler. Outfield has three prima donnas in it.  Need a steadying influence.  Love Kepler's approach to the game: Cerebral, scrappy, gamer, maximum effort guy.

6.       Make Dick and Bert fight. Instead of making snide remarks at each other, I want to see them settle it like men.  I know Bert's only there like 20 games a year now (still more than Mauer lol) but one of those nights they should just go the hotel bar and throw down.  Halsey Hall would've dropped either of these two by now.

(More selections from the Tom Hanson library can be found here, here, and here.)