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Game XI: Angels @ Twins

Two in a row is a bad idea for bottles of fiery water but a worthwhile goal for the 1-9 Twins.

Tell me she's not Jered Weaver's mom.
Tell me she's not Jered Weaver's mom.
David Friedman/Getty Images

Time: 1:10 (07:10 GMT). Vegas Line: MIN -117 / +107 LAA

Weather: Sunny, 74, Get Thee To A Ballpark

Opponent SB Site: Halos Heaven

TV: FS-N. Radio: Sounds Of Twins Fans Screaming "Game Over, Man!"

Someone who is totally not connected to me in any serious way had a rough week, getting shafted by their employer of 15 years on Monday then drinking far too heavily as a poorly-considered coping mechanism. This resulted in severe injury, hospitalization, and a printed sheet from the hospital describing the effects of alcohol concentration in the bloodstream.

Without further ado, I give you the Twins' batting averages, grouped by blood alcohol level:

.000-.079 (Arcia, Kepler) -- Legally sober and mostly safe. Except at first base, ha-ha.

.080-.099 (Murphy, Suzuki) -- Legally drunk. May have difficulty seeing and maintaining their balance. Catchers, amirite?

.100-.199 (Buxton, Park, Rosario, Sano, Santana) -- Impaired judgment and diminished body control. Warm, cheerful "buzzed" feeling replaced by sensations of anxiety/depression. Cheer up boys, you can't all be sent to AAA at once.

.200-.249 (Plouffe) -- Possible nausea/vomiting/blackouts, injuries may not be felt. Reasonable state to be in for a durable third baseman on a scuffling team.

.250-.299 (Escobar) -- Severe impairment of mental/physical functions; high risk of accidents. Explains the errors.

.300-.399 (Mauer) -- Anesthetized, blackouts likely, coma possible. What parent of twin kids wouldn't be there?

.400 and up (Nunez) -- Comatose, maybe dead. Clearly further drinking is not possible; just like Nunez sustaining his hot streak, ha-ha.


Today's starters are Tricky Ricky and Jered Weaver. Nolasco had a good first start, meaning if he has two in a row he should be tested for Ervin Santana's pee. Weaver, long thought of as the more talented Weaver brother (older sibling Jeff is now retired), has seen his ERA ascend these last few years, and if you want to see why you can click on this FanGraphs link. Basically, his velocity keeps going down. We'll see if his arm has more oomph in it today. Lineups:

Angels Dirty Faces
Yunel Escobar, 3B

Eduardo Nunez, SS

Rafael Ortega, LF Brian Dozier, 2B
Mike Trout, CF Joe Mauer, DH
Albert Pujolio, DH Miguel Sano, RF
Kole Calhoun, RF Plouuuuufe, 3B
C.J. Cron, 1B Oswaldo Arcia, LF
Andrelton Simmons, SS Byung Holio Park, 1B
Geovany Soto, C Eddie Rosario, CF
Cliff Pennington, 2B J.R. Murphy, C

Strange but true Weaver trivia. He had a no-hitter on May 2, 2012. The most recent no-hitter before this was former Twin Philip Humber's perfect game on April 21. The next no-hitter was by a guy Minnesota traded for Humber, one Johan Santana, on June 1.