Fixing the Twins: Let's Keep it Simple, Folks

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The Twin's 2016 season hasn't exactly gotten off to a good start. In fact, the Twins have actually gotten off to the worst start in Twin's history. Some may argue that the season is still young, and that this team may begin to climb out of the cellar eventually. Other's feel that the Twins season will go about as well as the Bay of Pigs.

Yes, there are plenty of Twins hot takes floating around the Interwebs. Heck, even Torii Hunter has them.

What ever your opinion may be, even the eternal optimist realizes (I hope) that this Twin's team needs help. But no one can agree on what this team needs to be successful. Or, at least, to not be a red and blue heap of steaming hot garbage. Some want the Twins to channel their inner George Knox and start trading them. All of them. Now. Would trading the only proven MLB caliber players on the Twin's roster prove to be the answer?

Other's support a youth movement and want the Twins to let their young players learn by doing (and hitting .167, apparently). Will letting young, inexperienced players jump strait to the 'bigs help or hurt young prospects? (See Buxton, basically any past Twins prospect).

Trades, coaching changes, and roster moves are all well and good, but in this humble hackblogger/Twins apologist's opinion, these measures are far too drastic.

Therefore, I would like to offer up 5 very simple, effective, and proven ways to fix this Minnesota Twins team.

1) Place a burning dumpster in the Target Field batters eye

The batters eye at Target Field has a storied past. First there was pine trees. Now there's a black backdrop that is eerily similar to the Metrodome Baggie (minus the Stanley advertisement) that few hitters can reach. Regardless of what the batters eye has been, players have complained about how difficult it is to bang dingers at Target Field. Why not use this to our advantage?

The dumpster can be filled with various objects: Nishioka T-shirts, Tony O's Cuban Sandwich wrappers, Wild jerseys, Byron Buxton rookie baseball cards, Bieber CD's, or any member of the Cleveland Indians. TC will also serve as an in-house Smokey the Bear, thus saving the Twins from having to hire anyone to actually manage the fire. Finally, the fire and smoke will distract opposing teams at the plate, but the Twins will be fine, as all Twin's batters will be wearing sunglasses (more on this later). Maybe the greatest benefit of this idea? The smoke will help prevent people from seeing Sano and Arcia botch routine fly balls.

BONUS: Burning garbage is much better than tossing it into a landfill, and the heat from the fire can help warm all 3,500 people who mistakenly come to night games.

2) Place Molitor on sick leave for the rest of the season, and let Gardy manage the Twins

I think it's safe to say that most people like Paul Molitor. Sure, he has little big league managerial experience, but it's now very evident that he got last year's club to overachieve. It's a same to see a good decent manager have to manage a team playing like this one. Why not put him on ice until next season?

While Gardy won some titles and did some things that involved winning once, the latter part of his career was summed up by L's, bemoaning advanced analytics, and crying over Nick Punto's departure. Therefore, why not let him manage this scuffling Twins team? It will feel comfortable to both Ron and Twins fans everywhere.

3) Let Trevor May DJ during opposing player's at-bats, NBA style

Ever been to an NBA game? If you have, you probably noticed that NBA teams constantly play music whenever the other team has the ball. While I've only been to one NBA game, I can honestly say that it was distracting, and the resulting jamming out kept me from consuming the 15 beers required to get through a T-Wolves game.

We all know that Trevor May likes music (he is literally a DJ). Since the Twins no longer have dance parties in the locker room, because that would actually require the Twins to win a game, let's let Tev play Swedish house music/funk/electronic beat music when opposing teams bat.

OPTIONAL: Let the Twin's wear Zubaz pants as a home alternate uniform. Who know's, maybe the pants will distract us so much that we don't even notice Escobar's errors at short stop any more.


4) More bars

That's right. Beer.

It's always the answer. And if beer is the question, then the answer is yes.

This past off-season saw the Twins add a limited-access club, and a Twins-themed pub to a ballpark already backed with bars and places to order adult beverages. With the way this season is going, adding a few more couldn't hurt. Here's my suggestions: Dugout clubs (bars on top of both dugouts), the Home Run Porch Pub (because it's not like any home runs actually get hit up there), and the Ball Boy Bars (bars down the 1st and 3rd baselines, where ball boys serve beer between snagging foul liners).

5) Target Field promotion: Genetic Scientist Night

This one would be sure to turn some heads, but is probably the best strategy of all. First, the Twins offer any scientist involved with genetic engineering, human genomics, and genetic manipulation free tickets, booze, and food. Then, they close down Target Field to outsiders, and turn the clubhouses and under-workings of Target Field into state of the art laboratories.

From there, the Twins get the brightest minds in the genetics field to clone Joe Mauer. While Edwardo Nunez, Byung Ho Park, Miguel Sano, Trevor May, and J.O. Berrios are all canidates, Mauer has been the only Twin's player worth a damn so far this season. This would also put single Joe Mauer clones on the market, which will probably lead to increased attendance and better scenery at Target Field.

BONUS: An entire team of sunglasses-wearing Mauer's won't be affected by the dumpster fire in center field.