How (the [bleep]) to Fix the Twins: A Poem

FIRE GARY!!!!11 - Bruce Kluckhohn-USA TODAY Sports

The following is an excerpt from Lines: To a Beautiful Park in Minneapolis, an upcoming book of Minnesota Twins-related poetry. Recently, the question was posed: "How do we fix the Twins?" I'd argue that the main problem with any sports team is the large staff that runs it; with so many different people involved in operating the team, you're bound to have a lot of differing opinions. But put one person in charge -- just one person -- perhaps me -- and suddenly things are lot more focused. Allow me to elaborate:


Fire Terry, fire Molly, fire all the personnel,

Fire Dick and Bert and Gladden, they can all go right to hell,

Fire parking lot attendants, lose the usher team, and then --

Fire Gardy, hire Gardy, fire Gardy once again.

Fire Mauer, fire Dozier, fire Trevor Plouffe and Glen,

Fire Escobar and Nunez, lose the whole entire ‘pen,

Fire Ervin, fire Gibson, fire Duffey, fire Phil,

Fire J.O., and with Ricky -- well, with him, do what you will.

Now, you must rebuild the roster, cause it’s looking pretty bare,

And you can’t just trawl through waivers, cause there ain’t no All-Stars there,

And you can’t count on free agency (the Pohlads -- God, they’re cheap)

So you’ve gotta trade your prospects. Yes, it’s time to take the leap.

Trade for Harper, Trout, Machado, trade for Tulo, trade for Cutch,

Now you’ve got a storied lineup that delivers in the clutch!

Trade for Kershaw, Arrieta, trade for Keuchel, Sale, and Price

Now your pitchers strike out 10 per nine! My goodness, ain’t that nice?

So the roster’s full of talent, and the seats are full of butts,

And you’ve got a new-look ballclub cause you made a couple cuts,

Win the Central, win the pennant, win the Series, win it all!

Then you repeat -- then you threepeat! -- then you fourpeat in the fall!

Now, I’ve laid it out quite plainly. It’s not hard to understand.

Every step of this is brilliant. Every turn is neatly planned.

So if only all the Pohlads would just LOOK at this request,

Then we’d be atop the rankings, because CLEARLY I know best.