Ricky Nolasco. I think he'd bring me a really cool, really expensive gift. Might even buy me a second one when he he's how small my barbecue is. I bet he's the type of guy who needs a big barbecue. His attitude has to be that he stumbled into found money.
Jose Berrios. I bet he would be good with the kids, and also jump in and help out with setting up tables and chairs and whatnot. My wife would probably like watching him on the Slip and Slide.
Miguel Sano. Again, good with the kids. In addition to being big enough for at least 8 seven year olds to hang on, I'll bet he can throw a rock clean through a watermelon.
James Beresford. Let me be the one to finally give him his shot. Plus, he's smaller than me. And presumably has a cool accent. He could be in charge of the new barbie that Nolasco runs out and buys. I have a grill shop right down the road.
Eduardo Nunez. Yet again--good with kids. That dude is funny, whether he is trying or not. Plus, even though it's hard to measure and may not even exist, I know he'd come through in the clutch. He's a utility guy. I bet he can make homemade fish seasoning, lasso a rope over a tree limb for a swing, build a piñata out of toilet paper and chewing gum, and I'm sure he has learned by now how to pour really stiff drinks.
Who's Not Invited
Joe Mauer. I'd love the $200 gift card to Target, but I'd feel bad when nobody ate his homemade Jello dessert.
Alex Meyer. I'm sure he'd be great with the kids, but I can't afford to replace my neighbors windows after the rock-through-the-watermelon game.
Casey Fien. He was invited, actually, but the invitation went to the wrong address.
David Ortiz. Hey, this is my birthday.
Danny Santana. Single. Worst. Party. Guest. In the Multiverse. Got it?