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Glengardy: A motivation speech to the bullpen

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Ron Gardenhire is called in to give a motivational speech to the Twins bullpen

"Coffee is for closers and donuts only."
"Coffee is for closers and donuts only."
Hannah Foslien/Getty Images
Ron Gardenhire: You're talking about what. You're talking about... Bitching about that pitch you left up, some sonofabitch ump who can't figure out where the strike zone is, some broad you saw on The Bachelor, so forth? Let's talk about something important. They all here?

Eddie Guardado: All except Abad.

Gardenhire: I'm going anyway.  Let's talk about something important.  [Gardenhire sees Kevin Jepsen pouring himself a cup of coffee]

Gardenhire: Put... That coffee... Down!

Jepsen: [Laughs nervously] What?

Gardenhire: Coffee's for closers only. You think I'm screwing with you? I am not screwing with you. I'm here from downtown. I'm here from Ryan and Molly. And I'm here on a mission of mercy. Your name's Jepsen? You call yourself a "closer," meat?

Ryan Pressly: I don't gotta sit here and listen to this.

Gardenhire: You certainly don't pal, 'cause the good news is, you're fired. The bad news is all of you've got just one week to regain your jobs, starting tonight. Starting with tonight's game. [Gardenhire turns around a couple times.] Oh? Have I got your attention now? Good. 'Cause we're adding a little something to this season's bullpen contest. As you all know, first prize is a two-year contract extension. Anyone wanna see second prize? Second prize is a set of Minnesota Twins salt and pepper shakers. Third prize is you're fired. Get the picture? You laughing now? The Pohlads paid good money for you to get batters out. Can't do that? Hit the bricks, pal, and beat it 'cause you are going OUT.

Buddy Boshers: What's your name?

[Gardenhire takes off his "AIM HIGH: US AIR FORCE" cap throwing it violently on the floor, forgetting his sunglasses were still on top, and kicks it across the room]

Gardenhire (to Boshers): That's my name. You know why, mister? I drove a 2005 Silverado to get here. You drove an eighty-thousand dollar BMW. THAT'S my name. You ever try to drive a BMW through a blizzard to get to a game? I didn't think so.

Gardenhire (to group): The only one thing counts in this life: Get the batters out. You hear me you freakin' RBI machines? A-B-C. A-Always, B-Be, C-Closing. Always be closing. ALWAYS BE CLOSING. G-R-I-T. G-Get - Get them out. R-Runners - Did I inherit runners? That's as far as they go. Try to steal on me? Fat chance, loser. I-Inning - It's always the 9th inning. Whatever inning it is is the only inning that matters and you're always closing. And T-Throw - Throw strikes. There are no free bases. You've got a batter standing at the plate. You think they came into the game to just stand there? A guy don't hold a bat lest he wants to swing it. They're sitting out there waiting to swing at something. Are you gonna pass that up? Are you gonna nibble at the corners? What's the problem, pal?

Trevor May: You're such a hero, Coach, how come you're coming down here wasting your time with such a bunch of bums?

Gardenhire: You see this watch [Gardy taps his Casio digital watch with matching black plastic band]? You see this watch? If I knew how to set the damn thing it would tell me the exact time, but I know about what time it is. Your watch cost more than my truck and you can't even wear it during a game.  You see pal, that's who I am: someone who knows about what time it is. Nice guy? I don't care. Good father? Shut up! Go home and play with your kids. You wanna pitch here? Close! You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you loser? You can't take this, how can you take the abuse you get in a game? You don't like it, leave.

[Gardenhire picks up a couple of batting practice baseballs]

Gardenhire: You want to know what it takes to be a bullpen pitcher? It takes dirty balls to pitch from the pen. Go and get outs, boys. Glory's out there. You pick it up, it's yours. You don't, I got no sympathy for you. You wanna get on that mound tonight and battle your TAILS OFF! If not you're gonna be DFA'd. And you know what you'll be saying with a bunch of losers sittin' around in a sports bar? "Oh yeah. I used to be a bullpen pitcher. It's a tough racket." I'd wish you good luck, but you wouldn't know what to do with it if you got it. And to answer your question, pal, why am I here? I came here because Ryan and Molly asked me to. They asked me for a favor. I said the real favor? Follow my advice and put them in the doghouse because a loser is a loser.

[Gardenhire and Guardado exit, stage left even]

Brandon Kintzler: So who is that guy again?