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Hopefully You Went To Bed Already, Twins Decimated 16-4

Michael Scott: "NO GOD! NO GOD! PLEASE! NO! NO! NO! NOOOOOOOO!"

Troy Taormina-USA TODAY Sports

Greetings from outer space. It's a bit cold here, a little dark, but I see my destination up ahead. I can't miss it, it's the largest thing in our solar system. I have just... oh, about 94 million miles left to travel, but I'll get there, I promise.

You see, this game was awful. It was awful early, awful in the middle, and awful at the end. Around the 6th or 7th inning, I pledged that I would fire myself into the sun. Well, I'm happy to say that thus far, I've succeeded. You might be wondering how I'm posting this. Well, I just so happened to sideswipe a Comcast satellite as I was leaving Earth's atmosphere. Despite the fact it's slowing me down, I thought it would be worthwhile to say my final goodbyes. As long as I don't collide with any asteroids or get sucked into Mercury's gravitational field, I should be fine.

You're going to want to wear two eyepatches before looking up this game's box score.

WP: Scott Feldman (1-2)

LP: Phil Hughes (1-5)

S: lol

Studs

Brian Dozier (1-for-3, HR, 3 RBI), Oswaldo Arcia (2-for-3, BB), Eduardo Nunez (2-for-4, 2 2B)

Duds

Phil Hughes, Casey Fien, Ryan O'Rourke, J.R. Graham, and Ryan Pressly (combined 6 2/3 IP, 14 H, 16 ER, 7 BB, 7 K, 3 HR), J.R. Murphy (0-for-4, 2 K, made final out with bases loaded in 5th with Twins down 9-4)