The Twins' horrible start has roiled a fan base that expected the team to build on their surprising 2015 performance. Area bloggers and talk-radio callers are demanding accountability, from the top on down. The front office has heard these complaints, and they want everyone to know one thing: Former Minnesota Timberwolves General Manager David Kahn didn't draft Stephen Curry.
"I mean, the Timberwolves had two chances to take Curry in the 2009 NBA Draft," said Twins President Dave St. Peter. "Instead, they took Ricky Rubio and Jonny Flynn. Rubio's a fine player, but Flynn? That's just crazy. Can you believe that happened? Man."
The Twins, who recently cut a catcher to make room for a player who decided to quit instead of play baseball for them, are adamant that Minnesota Vikings GM Rick Spielman is neglecting his team's offensive line.
"Bringing in a couple free agents coming off bad years and not drafting any linemen until the third day is baffling to me," said Twins GM Terry Ryan. "Teddy Bridgewater was running for his life all last year, and their solution is that? Criminy. Pull this one, it plays ‘Camptown Races.'"
Minnesota's 8-20 start, which has featured meltdowns in almost every area of the roster, is not lost on St. Peter, who added that it's astonishing how the Minnesota Wild have so many unmovable veteran contracts.
"Look at their roster," asked St. Peter. "It's like there was a contest to give out long-term deals to guys who were 30 or older. I know they cut (former coach Mike) Yeo loose, but how is (Wild GM) Chuck Fletcher not on the hot seat? My goodness."
When asked if the current bullpen struggles made him second-guess the team's refusal to spend money on relief pitching in the off-season, Ryan said it's astonishing that the Republican Party has nominated Donald Trump.
"In a normal year, given (presumptive Democratic nominee) Hillary Clinton's high negatives, the GOP would have a real shot at the White House. Instead, they nominated that orange fella that everybody hates. Who's in charge over there?"
When asked if they could further address their own team's struggles, both St. Peter and Ryan threw smoke bombs on the ground and hid themselves poorly behind pillars until reporters just gave up.