Hunched over a tall Michelob Golden Draft Light at a local chicken wing purveyor, Anoka red-ass Tom Hanson reacted to news that Glen Perkins would be out for the year with a torn labrum.
"Huh. Nolan Ryan never bitched about a torn labrum. He was too busy pitching no-nos to notice, I guess."
Hanson, who noted earlier that he had boycotted Perkins restaurants ever since the pitcher (no relation) was named the Twins closer, says it's all about "want-to," rather than pain management or surgery.
"Back when real men played this game, if they had an ouchie, they'd go in the training room, pop a couple greenies and some Tylenol, maybe chase it with a heater, and come back out for the second game of the doubleheader. Now we've got concussion protocols and paternity leave. Thanks Obama."
The self-described "independent contractor" doesn't stop at blaming the President.
"You gotta have role models in the clubhouse. Who does Perkins have to look up to in there? That's right: Joe Mauer. Guy's getting paid $23 million to pretend his head hurts so he can hit singles and play first base.
"Some naive guy from Stillwater sees that, hell, I don't even blame him for saying he can't pitch no more."
Hanson, who recently entered into his fourth disastrous marriage, says that, if he was "still in game shape," there wouldn't even be a question of him taking the mound.
"I played football in high school, but I had a pretty good arm. Could of definitely started if I wanted to. If my arm was sore, you know what I'd do? Pitch. Labrums aren't even real, I bet. Just some PC bullcrap that's making us soft."
The frequent caller to 1500 ESPN's Garage Logic then ordered another basket of honey barbecue wings.