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Who should be the Twins All-Star Game representative?

I was going to write something more serious about this, but then I realized this is the 2016 Minnesota Twins and that would be pointless.

Jake Roth-USA TODAY Sports

This year’s MLB All-Star Game is scheduled to take place July 10th at Petco Park in San Diego, and the fan vote for the starting lineups closes later tonight. As it stands now, this is what the American League starting lineup will probably look like (assuming there isn’t some massive last-minute push by Royals fans, which is actually entirely possible):

  • C: Salvador Perez, Royals
  • 1B: Eric Hosmer, Royals (possibly Miguel Cabrera, Tigers)
  • 2B: Jose Altuve, Astros
  • 3B: Manny Machado, Orioles
  • SS: Xander Bogaerts, Red Sox
  • OF: Mike Trout, Angels
  • OF: Jackie Bradley Jr., Red Sox
  • OF: Either Mookie Betts, Red Sox; Lorenzo Cain, Royals; Mark Trumbo, Orioles; or Jose Bautista, Blue Jays
  • DH: Mr. Peanut Butter Butt, Red Sox

Needless to say, no Twins player is even sniffing fifth place in the voting ranks. The Twins will have an All-Star representative, but only because each team is required to send one. The Twins representative will be either a reserve player or a pitcher who is not chosen by fan vote.

But screw that, Twinkie Town is holding its own vote. Here are your nominees, along with some reasoning behind why they should or should not be the Twins’ All-Star Game representative.

Please study the following carefully before making your vote.

Joe Mauer

Why he should go: Other baseball fans might actually know who he is.

Why he shouldn’t go: Other baseball fans might actually know who he is.

Eduardo Nunez

Why he should go: He is probably, actually, somehow the most likely player to actually be picked from the Twins team.

Why he shouldn’t go: They might find him a fitting helmet and ruin all of our jokes. Plus, he's Eduardo Nunez and I'm having an existential crisis over the fact he's our most fitting All-Star representative this year.

Fernando Abad

Why he should go: It would be hilarious if the Twins’ only representative was literally Abad player.

Why he shouldn’t go: He’d probably be that one rando in the bullpen who never gets to pitch in the game anyway. Wait, actually, maybe that would be a good thing...

Brian Dozier

Why he should go: Has been so hot lately. And the hair.

Why he shouldn’t go: He had a pretty rough start to the season. And he might mess up the hair.

Ricky Nolasco

Why he should go: You won’t believe this, but he actually has the highest fWAR of any pitcher on the Twins team.

Why he shouldn’t go: Having the highest fWAR of any pitcher on the Twins is like owning the winner of the World’s Ugliest Dog contest.

J.T. Chargois

Why he should go: He’s going to be in the Future’s Game anyway, even though he’s with the Twins! Save some money on a plane ticket and hotel and stuff.

Why he shouldn’t go: He hasn’t seemed to have pitched for the Twins for awhile. Anyone know what’s up with that?

Buddy Boshers

Why he should go: This would be even funnier than sending Nunez, and he has actually done decently in his limited time pitching in the majors.

Why he shouldn’t go: I don’t really see a reason why not.

Byung-ho Park

Why he should go: Imagine how excited South Korea would be! Maybe he’d hit a huge dong. And, believe it or not, he actually still has a positive offensive and defensive fWAR (barely). Plus, home run freaking derby!

Why he shouldn’t go: I can’t remember the last time he actually hit anything.

Byron Buxton

Why he should go: He’s super fast, so even if he did hit a pop up or ground out, it would save us the embarrassment.

Why he shouldn’t go: He would probably tear his ACL or something, and then Danny Santana would be our center fielder.

Danny Santana

Why he should go: Maybe he would tear his ACL?

Why he shouldn’t go: I don’t really want him to tear his ACL, but an extra roster spot might be nice...