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The 19 Worst Things That Have Happened to the 2016 Minnesota Twins (So Far)

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Avert your eyes, dear. You don't need to see this.

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metaphor
Justin Sullivan/Getty Images

The 2016 season is almost halfway over. If it seems longer, that's because everything has been terrible and nobody's happy.  A brief review:

  1. Phil Hughes needs to have a part of his body removed in order to pitch again. But at least he broke his knee, too.
  2. Glen Perkins' labrum tore completely off his bone, so he's done for awhile, too.
  3. Both of them got yelled at by local media for not pitching through pain, about which, yeah: 
  4. Ricky Nolasco is historically bad.
  5. Tommy Milone might be worse.
  6. The rest of the starting staff has been bad, maddeningly inconsistent, or racking up frequent flyer miles between Rochester and MSP.
  7. Potential franchise cornerstone Miguel Sano was put in the wrong position, then he got hurt, and then a ball hit him in the bean.
  8. Potential franchise cornerstone Byron Buxton at least is playing in the right position, but he still can't hit so much.
  9. Eddie Rosario was so bad he got sent down.
  10. John Ryan Murphy was so bad he got sent down.
  11. Kevin Jepsen was so bad he got demoted.
  12. Casey Fien was so bad he got released.
  13. Oswaldo Arcia was so bad he got traded and immediately started hitting doubles and home runs for Tampa.
  14. He was moved to make room for Danny Santana. I'm going to repeat this for emphasis: He was moved to make room for Danny Santana.
  15. The team's best player for about three solid weeks WAS UNEMPLOYED in April.
  16. The catching-starved team cut a catcher to make room for Daniel Murphy. He retired rather than accept a call-up. I'm going to repeat this for emphasis: He retired rather than accept a call-up.
  17. After a promising start, Joe Mauer has returned to being post-concussion Joe Mauer.
  18. After wretched starts, Brian Dozier and Kurt Suzuki have finally started to hit.
  19. The best bar game in the Upper Midwest right now is Name the Current Twins Bullpen. Take a shot for every one you can't name, then throw your keys in the nearest holding pond.
Honestly, I bet I'm forgetting a few more things, but I was just getting depressed compiling this list and had to stop.